(RUNAWAY BABY PLAYING)

Okay. Let's see where we are.

We could move this, get
rid of that, kill that.

That kind of freaks me out.
Don't need her. We can get rid of that.

That's done. Okay,
we could start with this.

I know it's a hard-hitting piece, but
come on, you guys, it's the Internet.

We need traffic, traffic,
traffic. What do you got?

How about this? Perfect.

Now, doesn't she look smart and
knowledgeable about immigration reform?

ALL: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
She does, right?

I'm fucking with you people.
This isn't a porn site.

What are we, nerds
trying to look at boobies?

Come on, keep looking.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Shit! Hello?

Hey! Baby, where are you?
Are you still at work?

No! Not even close.

Just so you know, the movie
starts in 10 minutes.

I know! Give me your pants.
What?

I'll buy you lunch tomorrow.
Come on. No.

I'm your boss.
Give me your pants.

Please try not to be late.
I really hate missing the beginning.

I know. I know.

Give me your pants.
I'm coming, baby.

I'm almost there!

How far away?
I think I see you!

Where are you?
I'm here. So am I.

So many people.
What are you wearing?

I'm wearing the only clothes
outside the theater,

because I'm the only person
outside the theater!

I love that outfit.
You look so sexy in that.

You know that
I love this movie.

If a prostitute and a ruthless
businessman can fall in love,

then anyone can.

I know this means a lot to you,
which means it means a lot to me.

Well, apparently it doesn't.

I'm looking at you
right now. I can see you!

MAN: Jamie!

Hey!

Hey. You made it.

Yeah. Hey. Hi.

Sorry I'm late. It's okay.
I got us sandwiches.

I got you turkey, no
cheese, gluten-free bread.

You sure this was prepared
in a nut-free facility?

Yes, I'm fully aware
of your allergies.

Hey, I'm here! I'm here.
I'm really sorry.

We missed Your Body
ls a Wonderland.

Okay. Only one song.
That's not so bad, right?

It was fucking Your
Body Is a Wonderland!

Well, the good news is,
he has so many good ones.

Here's an idea: next time, instead
of being late, just shit on my face.

'Cause that's kind of the same thing
as missing Your Body Is a Wonderland.

Okay, come on.
We really gotta go in.

Julia Roberts is about to put
on her really tall boots.

We need to talk.

(L.O. V. PLAYING)

I think we should take a break.

I just feel like we should
chill for a while, you know?

You're doing this?
You're breaking up with me?

You said I was your soul mate.

I did? When?

When we were at that bed
and breakfast having sex.

But, you know, that doesn't...
That doesn't what?

Count.

I was tied up at
work. I'm sorry.

Maybe you should care a
little bit less about work

and a little more about the
girl that you're dating.

'Cause last time I checked,
work doesn't reassure you

that liking a finger up your
ass doesn't make you gay.

I never said "go up." Okay?

I just said lightly around...
It's like a little button.

You know what?
Not your issue any more.

Is this why you were late?

You were worried about
how to break up with me?

Oh, no, no.
I was trying to decide what to wear.

So, you went with sneakers
and a hoodie. Yeah.

What, are you gonna
take the SATS after this?

Don't lash out, okay?

You're better than that.
I'm really not.

I just think we're heading
in different directions.

Yeah, you to the John
Mayer concert and me not.

Thank you for doing this before
the concert, by the way.

Best breakup (MOUTHING) ever.

He is the Sheryl Crow
of our generation!

Let me just ask
you a quick question.

And just know that I am not at
all crushed by this breakup.

So, be honest. Why?

Wait, is this a trick? No.

Just pure anthropological
research.

Okay. You want someone to
sweep you off your feet,

but you're more interested in
getting swept off your feet

than the someone who's
doing the sweeping.

You seem like you've
got it totally together,

but you're actually
really emotionally damaged.

Also, you have, like, really big eyes,
and that freaks me out sometimes...

Thank you. That's enough.

It is not you at all.

Of course it's me! You can't say that.
You're breaking up with me!

It's not. It's me.
I don't like you any more.

This is my fault.
You deserve better than me.

You're a great guy.

A little too emotionally
unavailable, if you ask me.

I didn't.

I really want to stay friends.

Let's stay friends. Sure.

Totally.

(MOUTHING) John Mayer.

John fucking Mayer!

Come here, you.

You're gonna get through this.

Why do relationships always start off so
fun and then turn into suck-a-bag-o-dicks?

I really have to stop buying into this
bullshit Hollywood cliché of true love.

Shut up, Katherine
Heigl! You stupid liar!

I'm just gonna work and fuck.
Like George Clooney.

I'm just gonna shut
myself down emotionally.

Like George Clooney.

Hello.

Seat up, please, sir.

Is that the Hudson River?

No. It's the East River.

So we won't be landing on
it, then, like that flight,

you know, with that captain
they keep giving medals to?

That pilot was a hero.

Asshole.

Plane actually did
a lot of the work.

JAMIE: I think I found the perfect
guy to fill that job at GQ.

No, he's landing early.
I'm scrambling.

No, he's not sold on the job yet, but
I'll get him there. I always do.

I'm even picking him
up in a hybrid.

He's from LA. I figured
he's into all that bullshit.

Hey, sir, what's that
tall building over there?

Empire State Building.

No, no, no, no.
No. The other one.

The really, really tall one with the
antenna on top of it, the windows.

That is Empire State Building.

Oh, yeah. You're
right. King Kong.

Hey...

(PARADISE DREAMING PLAYING)

Oh, hey! Are you done with this?
All met up?

Great. Welcome to New York, Ms.
Penderghast.

Yeah.

Oh, no. Excuse me. Sorry.

Okay.

Can you hand me my bag?
Sure. Which one?

The one with the straps. Okay.

MAN: There.

Okay.

Welcome to New York, sir.
Thank you.

Excuse me. Yeah.

That's me.
Which one, the blue or the yellow?

No. The makeshift sign made
out of lipstick, that's me.

You're Dylan Harper. I am.

I'm Jamie Rellis.

You're picking me up from the airport.
Hi. Yes, I am.

You always pick
people up like this?

Yeah, you know, I like to
Keep things interesting.

Welcome to New York. Thank you.

You're not exactly what comes to
mind when you think headhunter.

Yeah, I prefer "executive recruiter.
" Headhunter sounds a little creepy.

You did stalk me for six months.
Kind of creepy.

Here, here, here, I'll take it.

You're really gonna carry my bag?
You're that girl?

No. I'm gonna change your life.
I'm that girl.

My life is already
pretty great.

Oh, really? 'Cause you wouldn't be here
if your life were already pretty great.

A free trip to New York.
I'd be an idiot to turn that down.

Well, then I guess you must have been
an idiot for the past six months.

Ooh, yeah, a lot of people
would say longer than that.

It's a huge opportunity, Dylan.

Art director of GQ magazine.
This is the big leagues.

I mean, no offense to your
little blog on the Internet.

Which got six million
hits last month.

I could put up a video of me
mixing cake batter with my boobs

and it will get
eight million hits.

It's been done.
Dunkin-My-Tits-Hynes.com.

Really?

Well, look, there's no question that
you are talented at what you do,

but this is GQ.

New York's so crowded.

Look around. I'm from LA, okay?

I like my open spaces.
What are you, a gazelle?

Come on, what's really
worrying you about this?

I don't know. I don't want to be the
guy who took something legendary

and shit the bed with it.
Excuse the expression.

Well, then don't be the guy who shit the bed.
Excuse the expression.

Be the guy who made
the bed legendary again.

Listen, we'll get some coffee in you
before the interview. You'll be fine.

I'm sorry, not coffee.
Some green tea, soy, organic hemp bullshit.

DYLAN: Really hot in New York.

Doesn't it get hot in LA?

Yeah, it gets hot in LA,
but it's the humidity.

In LA, if it's 90 degrees, it
feels like 90 degrees. But...

Right. If it's hot in New York,

it's 90 degrees, it's
like 100,000 degrees.

This conversation about weather
is really fascinating,

but lucky for me, we are here.

So, good luck.

Whatever happens, happens.
I told you, I don't really want it.

Just do me a favor?
Act like you do so that I look good.

I can do that.
Okay. Go get 'em.

This is great, by the way.

(GAGGING)

(GARGLES AND SPITS)

Watch it! Ugh!

Hey! You're still here?

Yeah. Well, it's my job.

Nice.

So, tell me, how'd it go?

They bought it.
You're safe for a little while longer.

Well, thank you. I owe you one.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

This is from you.

It's your offer.

Wait, I got it?
They called about five minutes ago.

Congratulations. Offer
expires at midnight.

Why didn't you just tell
me instead of texting me?

'Cause it's more dramatic.

Dylan, you are not
gonna shit the bed.

I've seen your work.
It's amazing.

It's a huge move.

Would you uproot your entire
life for a job? Be honest.

Well, no. For a job,
probably not.

But for New York?
Yeah, I would.

Which is why I'm not gonna
try to sell you on the job,

I'm gonna sell you on New York.

It's New York!

I've seen Seinfeld.

Not the bullshit
tourist version.

Puppy dog eyes. Nice touch.

Yes! Come on.

Let me buy you a drink.

What's wrong?

What are you waiting for?

The light to change.

You LA folk are so cute.

Come on.

Come on, it's fine.

See? Yep.

I'm gonna die.

Here we have Brooklyn
Bridge, downtown Manhattan,

and right in front of us,
an outdoor bar.

(GIRLS FALL LIKE
DOMINOES PLAYING) Aha!

Alcohol. Now we're talking.

You know, I like you.

I'll give you your
choice of closes.

What?
How I close you on this job.

Okay.
So we got the flattery close.

Dylan, you are so
good at what you do.

The take-it-or- leave-it close.

Man, I don't care if you take it.
I get paid regardless.

The sympathy close.

You see, my
kidneys are failing...

Why do women think the only way
to get a man to do what they want

is to manipulate him?

History. Personal experience.
Romantic comedies.

Come on, you're here for a reason,
whether you want to admit it or not.

Yeah, to explore an option.
Who wouldn't want to know their options?

Someone who's in
the perfect situation.

Are you in the
perfect situation?

Job? Absolutely.

Everything else?
None of your business.

(CHUCKLES)

Shaun!

Jamie! Hey!

Hey, what's up, baby?
What are you doing here?

You look great.
(MOUTHING) Shaun White?

You been working out? Nope.
Just been eating a lot.

Okay. Yeah.

You want a drink? Yeah!

Let me get you a drink.
Yeah? Okay.

Careful! Careful. Sorry.

Hey, bro, that was like
a double McTwist 1260.

Yeah, like the trick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dylan.

Jamie, you want to get
this guy out of my face

before I break his
fucking skull?

Sorry, bro. No disrespect.
I'm a huge fan.

You don't fucking know me, man!
Don't talk to me like you know me!

What, you think I'm all chill
'cause I snowboard and shit?

One more word, I'll fuck
you up like dynamite!

Dynamite?

I'm just playing, bro.

Any friend of Jamie's
is cool with me.

It's all good, man. All good.

I'm whispering in
the ear of a dead man.

I'll see you later.

Good to see you. Bye, honey.

Shaun White seems really great.
Nice dude.

How do you know him again?
I took his virginity.

So you guys have known
each other for a while?

No, it was like
eight months ago.

Wow.

So does the carpet
match the drapes?

It's hardwood floors, if
you know what I mean.

My God! Terrible visual.

Totally kidding, by the way.
Just an old friend of mine.

(TIGHTROPE PLAYING)

You guys use the same
leave-in conditioner.

His hair had nice body.

Can I get two gyro number
sixes, extra sauce?

What are you looking for?
The cops.

The cops? Come on.

Yep.

Come on!

Where are you taking me?
You'll see.

Well, here's your open space.

Run, gazelle. Run!

Wow. This is unbelievable.
I know.

Okay, this was not on Seinfeld.

Come on, what's your
dad think about all this?

About what?

Well, he must have an opinion.

He used to write for the
LA Times for 23 years.

Somebody did their homework.

I have this thing at work.
It's called Google.

Come on, what's he
think about the job?

Actually, I didn't ask him.

Well, then you must
know what he'd say.

He'd tell me to go with my gut and that
he'd be proud of me no matter what I did.

Sounds like a really great man.

Yeah, he is.

Hey, do you want to
see something really cool?

I always want to see something
really cool. What...

Come on.

Okay.

Only place in the city you
can actually see the stars.

Wow. Yeah.

I know. It's pretty awesome.

I like to come
up here to think.

Just when it gets a little too much
for me down there, it's like...

It's like my New York
version of a mountaintop.

Best part, no cell reception.

(LAUGHING)

You take all your
recruits up here?

Actually, never really
taken anyone up here.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks.

If you tell anyone about this,
I will rip your ears off

and staple them to your neck.

Everyone in this city
seems really violent.

Come on, let's go.
One last stop.

We're just getting comfortable.
I know you are. Come on.

It's New York.
Now hustle. Come on.

Come on, come on.
You're showing me Times Square.

This is not touristy at all!
Would you shush? Come on.

Do we have to power-walk
everywhere we go?

Yes.

So everybody just kind of walks
wherever they want, then.

How 'bout right here?

What do you mean? We're here.

(BIG BAND VERSION OF
NEW YORK, NEW YORK PLAYING)

Oh, my God, it's 1988.

All right, smartass,
give it five seconds.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MUSIC SEGUES INTO
AN UP-TEMPO HIP-HOP VERSION)

What is this? It's a flash mob.

Like on Oprah! Exactly.

Should we get out of the way?

No, no. Enjoy it.
Take it all in.

It's pretty damn cool. Right?

(CHUCKLING)

It's kind of rad.

Do these people
get paid for this?

No. No. They kind of
just do it for fun.

It's nice to feel like
you're a part of something.

New York can be a little
bit lonely at times.

And you're trying
to sell me on it.

Every place can be a
bit lonely sometimes.

Be careful! Oh, my God.

Come down. Okay.

Shit. Get back down. Okay.

I'm in. What?

You sold me. Really?

I'll take the job. Oh, my God!

What, are you surprised? No! No.
Oh, you are gonna crush it!

Amazing.

You can all go home now!
Thank you! Very funny.

Come on.

ALL: Congratulations, sell-out!

Thank you, thank you.

All I'm saying is, it wasn't
so much the pilot's skill

that landed that plane on the river as
much as the mechanics of the aircraft.

Are you saying that Captain
Sully wasn't a hero?

No, no.

There were just other factors.

Are you not an American?

(SATELLITE PLAYING)

Hey, fuckface, you want to get
your shit out of my car or what?

I... Yeah.

Welcome to New York.
Go and fuck a dick.

Fuck.

So, all I ask is that you give me a
little bit of time to gain your trust.

I know that I'm new at this, but what I lack
in experience I make up for in clichés.

So, my door is always open.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

But seriously, my
door is always open.

My first order of
business, lighter doors.

Okay. Thanks, guys.
Welcome, Dylan.

Hey, man.
Tommy Bollinger, sports editor.

Tommy, I've read your articles.
Love your writing.

Just trying to
keep it realsies.

Listen, I'd love to take you out
one night and troll for cock.

What? You got some pretty
boys out there in LA,

but the quality in this
town is ridiculous.

We can tear this shit up.

I'm not gay, Tommy.

Really? I just assumed, art
director and, you know...

Hey. No skin, more pipe for me.

By the way, doing a piece
on racism in hockey.

Love to get your
concepts on the font.

I'm thinking Helvetica but I could
be persuaded to Courier New.

But what the fuck do I know?
I'm just the sports editor.

You sure you're not gay? Yep.

I'm sure. Okay.

All right.

Hey. Hey.

I'd knock, but you
don't have a door.

I don't. No.

Hey, check this out.

SIN G E R:
♪ Dunkin-My- Tits-Hynes- com ♪

Yeah, it really does exist.
I told you, but not that. This.

Awesome.

But it'd be even more
awesome if this happened.

Wait for it.

Nice!

I got in touch with a guy who
puts flash mobs together.

We're thinking about using them
for guerrilla advertising.

Taking something so pure
and commercializing it?

Knew I found the right guy.

Here I am. Okay.
Here's your contract.

Sign it and I will
be out of here.

Okay.

A whole year? Oof!

Why do I get the feeling this is the
first real commitment you've ever made?

It's not. T-Mobile, two years.

And, fuck, do I
regret that one.

Do me a favor. Don't quit or get
fired before the year's up,

because otherwise
I don't get my bonus.

Wait, I can leave
whenever I want?

What's the point of this contract?
Just sign the damn thing.

Okay.

Nice doing business
with you, Dylan Harper.

Hey, I was thinking of getting some lunch.
Do you know a place?

Are you asking me out?

Whoa, I'm not asking you out.

I'm asking you to
show me a restaurant.

I mean, I'm the only friend you have in New York.
You don't wanna complicate that.

I know. I'm not asking you out.

I mean, sure, we'd
have fun, roll around,

get into some erotic
humiliation fantasy. Erotic?

But it'd all blow up in our faces, end badly,
and we'd never speak to each other...

I'm not fucking asking you out!
I swear to God!

Okay. You don't
like me like that.

You don't have to
be so mean about it.

I'm sorry. I didn't...

God, you're such a girl.
Come on, it's my treat.

So was it an easy move?

It was tough leaving my dad.
Yeah.

My sister gave me some shit.

But timing was right.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Timing was really right.

Is that your sister? No. My ex.

She's great. Loves John Mayer.

Wants us to stay friends.

(GAGGING)

She's also convinced she can cure
me of my emotional unavailability.

You're emotionally unavailable?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I'm emotionally damaged.
I haven't seen you at the meetings.

I'm done with the
relationship thing.

Girl, you are preaching
to the congregation.

Choir. What?

"Preaching to the choir.
" You're supposed to preach to the congregation.

That's the expression.
Did you understand what I was saying?

Then don't be a dick about it.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh, my God. Do you mind?

Please. Great.

Hello. You've reached
Dylan Harper's cell phone.

He's emotionally unavailable,
but if you'd like...

John fucking Mayer! Hello?

Wow. Hello? You really do
have shitty cell service.

Right? Yeah.

I'm gonna have some
friends over tomorrow.

Why don't you come, and you
can meet some new people?

I'm gonna have to check my schedule.
I'm really busy.

I work at GQ now.
It's not some little blog on the Internet.

(LAUGHS)

(KNOCKING)

Hey. Hey.

You made it. Sorry I'm late.

No, no. Please, come in,
come in. Thank you.

Hey, everybody! Hey!

This here is Dylan.
He's from LA.

(EVERYONE BOOING)

He's the reason I can
afford all this beer.

(EVERYONE CHEERING)

Okay, all right.

Am I an animal?

Yeah.

Fuck, I'm pretty good at this.

Lieutenant Kali's a West Coast street
artist I got into about five years ago.

His postmodern interpretation...
This shit is amazing.

I know, right? Ooh!

You will be able to find the perfect candidate
to fill the position at your company.

Okay, here we go.

First up is Joey Morena,
who's fluent in Vietnamese

and has had 10 years of
experience in the culinary field.

I can't do this any more.

No, I think we both
need to go get happy.

It's not adding up to
a hundred any more.

Yeah.

Looks like New York's
all out of blueberries.

Goodbye, Flapjack.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Taxi! Taxicab!

Flapjack.

DYLAN: Why do all these
movies have such bad music?

It's so that you know how to
feel every single second.

"I'm heartbroken."

(DYLAN HUMS SAD MUSIC)

"I'm getting married
to the man of my dreams."

(SCATTING HAPPILY)

"I'm sneaking
through an office."

(SUSPENSEFUL SCATTING)

Madison, wait!

Madison!

Madison, wait!

Bryce.

How did you know I was at
Grand Central Station?

You're not. You're in Los Angeles,
where this movie was shot.

I know you better than
you know yourself.

And your crazy friend Susie
across the hall told me.

Susie.

Why are you here?

To tel/ you that

I love that sunsets
make you cry,

and I don't care that you
failed your real estate exam,

and I'm glad that you
have a five-date ru/e.

And that I love you.

Not as much as I love you.

ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Now boarding, track 5, love.

God, I wish my life was
a movie sometimes.

You know, I'd never have
to worry about my hair,

or having to go
to the bathroom.

And then, when I'm
at my lowest point,

some guy would chase me down the
street, pour his heart out,

and we'd kiss.

Happily ever after.

I mean, a horse and carriage?

Come on, that is awesome.
(HEY, SOUL SISTER PLAYING)

Not as awesome as this
ambiguously upbeat pop song

that has nothing
to do with the plot

they put in at the end
to try to convince you

that you had a great time
at this shitty movie.

You know, why don't they ever make a movie
about what happens after the big kiss?

They do. It's called porn.

God, I miss sex.

Right? I mean, sometimes you just need it.
It's like...

I don't know, it's like
cracking your neck.

Why does it always gotta
come with complications?

And emotions. And guilt.

Guilt.

It's women's fault. What?

You heard me. "Hold me.
Let's spend the rest of our lives together."

Oh, please, you are no better.

"Oh, yeah, baby, come on, now.
Say my name. Yeah...

(GRUNTS) "I'm done. How was I?"

Who have you been with?

Why can't it not be like that?

It's a physical act.
Like playing tennis.

Two people should be able to have
sex like they're playing tennis.

Yeah, I mean, no one wants
to go away for the weekend

after they play tennis.

It's just a game.
You shake hands, get on with your shit.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mmm.

Do you want more beer? Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Jamie! Yeah?

Let's play tennis. What?

Let's have sex like
we're playing tennis.

Get the hell out of here.

Don't laugh. This
could be great.

This could take all the
weirdness out of it.

Well, we talked about this.
I don't like you like that.

I don't like you like that either.
That's why it's perfect.

I don't even know if I
find you attractive.

That's cute.

Well, I do have
a thing for jerks.

Okay, well, do you
even find me attractive?

That's cute. No, no, no.

Before you got to know
my awesome personality.

Strictly physical.

First time you saw me.

This is just two people talking?
Yeah.

Two girls over drinks
at Bennigan's. Go.

I liked your eyes. I didn't think I'd
ever seen such big, beautiful eyes.

Your lips. Yeah.
I thought you might be a good kisser.

I am.

Your breasts. What about them?

They intrigued me. Really?

Yeah. I think they're so tiny.

They're still breasts. Thanks.

I liked your hands. Mouth.

Butt. Voice.

Chest. Eyes.

You said that. I meant it.

You swear you don't want anything
more from me other than sex?

You swear you don't want
anything more from me?

I know how you girls get.
Tick-took, tick-took.

Stop it.

What are you doing?
I'm pulling up my Bible app.

You have a Bible app?
Yes. I am a good girl.

Hand on the iPad. Okay.

(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGING)
Wait, no.

Why can't they figure this out?

No... This thing thinks
I'm you and you're me.

Keep your hand still.
I'll move the iPad.

It's actually making me dizzy.
Hold on.

There we go.

No relationship.

No emotions.

Just sex.

Whatever happens,
we stay friends.

Swear. Swear.

BOTH: Swear.

Okay.

So I guess we
should just start.

Okay.

I'll serve.

That's really...
That's enough of the tennis.

Let's go to the bedroom.

What's wrong with the couch?
It's less emotional.

The bedroom has better light.

And since we're just friends, I don't
have to be insecure about my body.

Come on, okay?
You're beautiful.

You have nothing to
be insecure about.

No, you see, that is way
too emotionally supportive

and you need to
just lock that down.

Your ass is a little bony.
Much better.

My nipples are sensitive,
I don't like dirty talk,

and had I known this was gonna happen, I
would have shaved my legs this morning.

My chin is ticklish, I sneeze
sometimes after I come,

and if I'd have known
this was gonna happen,

I wouldn't have shaved
my legs this morning.

Okie-dokie.

Oh!

I keep my socks on.
Intimacy issues.

Great, 'cause feet gross me out.
Daddy issues.

Great.

I can work with that.

Should be fine.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Should we stop?
We could just go for a run.

I don't know, are we
getting too old for this?

Sex? No, casual sex.

It just, I don't know,
feels a little collegey.

I could sing some Third Eye Blind.
Okay.

♪ Closing time,
One last call for alcohol...

That's not Third Eye Blind.
I'm pretty sure that's Third Eye Blind.

Nope.

I Finish your whiskey
or beer; I know... ♪

What's wrong?
We're just doing this once.

I totally agree. Okay.

Great. Great.

Little faster.

More circular. Watch my chin.

Touch my ears. Okay.

Kiss my neck.

Say my name.
Dylan Francis Harper Jr.

Not my full name.

Sorry, I had to fill out
a lot of your paperwork.

Stop talking. Okay.

Oh, my God, you're really...

Al B1CID1EI F, G, H, I,
J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

Dylan, I... Relax.

Just a friend going
down on another friend.

Oh, yeah, baby. Tornado.

What, what?

What are you trying to do?
Dig your way to China?

I'm good at this. Says who?

Every girl I've been with.

Well, they're either lying or their
vaginas are made out of burlap.

So, relax. You're not a lizard.

Okay, fine. Okay, fine.

♪ So gather up
your jackets... - ♪

A little to the right. Okay.

A little bit more to the left.
Roger that.

Now go down. Here we go.

A little more...
Whoa, too far! Sorry.

(MOANING)

(SCREAMING)

What's wrong? Nothing!

When women start to scream,
it could be misconstrued.

Just keep going!

Yeah, you know it.

Well, let me tell
you how I like it.

See, most girls think you
should start off soft,

but if you just get
in, really go for it...

(MOANING)

(SNEEZING)

Yeah, you know it.

Mmm.

Ugh!

(SIGHING)

Let's go with Obama.
No, no, no, no!

It's too easy, too predictable.
Go with Shaun.

He's stylish, transcendent of
sport, has an ass like a kumquat.

I hear he's kind of a jerk.
No, he's not.

You're just threatened by him

because he's the greatest snow
sport athlete in the universe

and he gets more squirrel
than an oak tree.

Hey, Dylan?
Jamie Rellis is in the lobby for you.

Okay, thanks.

Let's hit this after lunch.
Okay, guys?

Nobody wants to
fuck Obama, brah.

He's got ears like an elephant.

That's not the part of
an elephant you want.

Hi! Hi.

Sorry to just show
up like this.

No, no, no, it's fine.

So...

Wanna take a walk? Love to.

Great. Okay.

Okay, so about
what happened, I...

It was crazy and we shouldn't have done it.
Exactly. No, no, exactly.

I mean, it is so not me.

I totally agree.
Let's forget it happened.

Great. I mean, look, I've
had one-night stands.

We both have had one-night stands,
none of which we're proud of, but...

Really?

Look, to think that you
and I could just have sex

and without it compromising
anything was just so...

Misguided. Exactly.

I was gonna call
you this morning.

But you didn't.

But I didn't.

And you see, it's already coming
between us and I really...

I just don't want it to.

It's not going to.

Look, I know that I act all tough
and I talk all tough, but really...

it's just a front to protect yourself
from your own vulnerability.

What are you, my
fucking therapist now?

No, I'm a friend. Who knows that
every time you curse, you blink.

Like your body's rejecting the word.
It does not.

Fuck you. Blinked.

No, I didn't fucking blink.
Blinked again.

Shit. Ah, didn't blink.

"Shit" you're okay with.

It was stupid. Yes.

We're friends,
let's stay friends.

Yes. Yes, this,
I don't wanna lose this.

Me neither.

Great. Fantastic.

Portrait for the lovely couple?

What the hell are we doing?
I don't know.

Rub my hair. Kiss my neck.

(GIGGLING)

Watch my nipple.
All right, all right.

I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Yeah.

Why didn't I
notice that before?

Because we were drunk.

Was it your dog?
No. Never had one.

But everyone else did.

And I thought having a dog
meant you had a normal family,

which at 17 I
desperately wanted.

So as a sign of rebellion
you got a tattoo

of the most conventional
thing you could think of.

It was super awesome back then.

Check it. Okay.

A lightning bolt? Eighteen.

Wanted superpowers. Yeah.

I was a little into
Harry Potter back then.

Were you also gay back then?
Harry Potter doesn't make you gay!

Okay. Are you sure about this?

Are you? No.

Me neither.

(BOOTY CALL PLAYING)

How was your day? It was okay.

I had a turkey sandwich for lunch.
How was that?

It wasn't that good.
How was your day?

Still trying to figure out that
subway system. It is tricky.

(CHEERING)

And it's out of here!

My butt. What?

Oh, my butt. Really?

No, I mean my butt, it's cramping.
Can you grab a pillow?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

So, no butt? No.

(SNEEZING)

Really? Already? Just kidding.

Do you like this position?
Yeah, it's all right.

I gotta be honest, I feel
a little emasculated.

A naked girl is lying on top of
you and you feel emasculated?

Little bit. You do know what
that word means, right?

Yes, I know what it
means, and I feel it.

Okay, all right, you big baby.

Chinese fire drill. Okay. Go!

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Okay.

I do. Do you feel manly now?

Okay. Put it in.

That's not funny.

It's kind of funny.
It's kind of funny.

Hold on. What's wrong?

I have to go to the bathroom.

What? Now? Yes, now.
I had a lot of watermelon.

What's going on in there?

Do you know how hard it
is to pee with a hard-on?

No, actually.

It's like two lanes of traffic
merging into one. It takes time.

Hmm.

Are you pooping? No.

Why are you sitting down?
It's easier to control.

You want a mess in here?
No. No, no. Sorry.

(SPUTTERING DRIBBLES)

(LOUD GUSHING NOISES)

Oh!

Yeah.

Yup.

What? Did I leak?

Did you wash your hands?

Oh, come on, dude.

I know we're just friends,
but I'm still a lady.

Now get back in there, wash your hands
and then bring that fine ass back here.

If you keep talking to me like
that, I'm not gonna come back.

(GROANING)

My hammies are killing me.
Have a banana, they're in the fridge.

Why would you keep
bananas in the fridge?

It dries them out. It doesn't.
They have a peel.

It's not armor.
Air still gets in.

Do you want a banana or not?

Not if they're dry.
I'm not an animal.

At least I have
food in the house.

All you have at home
is drinkable yogurt.

I like to drink my yogurt.
It's a timesaver.

Well, then you think you could use
that time to shave your stubble.

Your whiskers are like knives.

Now, see, if you were my girlfriend, I
couldn't tell you to shut up right now.

And because you're just
my buddy, I can tell you

that if you don't start shaving up here,
I'm gonna stop shaving down there.

Hey, hey. Hey...

Mom! "Mom"?

My eyes are covered.
I don't know what you're doing.

I can't see you putting
on your black underpants.

Jamie, baby, I missed you.

Oh, baby.

Did your boobs get bigger?
Mom, I'm over here.

Hey, baby. Oh, no, they didn't.

What are you doing here?
Victor turned out to be a total Lombard.

L-O-M-B-A-R-D.
"Lots Of Money But A Real Dullard."

Victor, her fiancé.

Ex-fiancé.

What happened? Nothing.
He was just blah.

I mean, nice, but it was
like talking to dirt.

I woke up one day and I said, "Lorna...
" I'm Lorna.

Dylan. I said, "Lorna,
this is not your bliss."

"Just because you're 39...
" Forty-eight.

"...It doesn't mean you have to settle.
He's not an insurance claim."

So I caught the first
plane off the island.

Cleveland's not an island.
Oh, baby, it is.

Anyway, here I am.
It's so good to see you.

You never told me you
had a hot boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend, Mom.

That's right, we're just friends.
I love it.

It's like the '70s in here.

That was a better
time. Just sex.

A little grass, a little glue...
Not during pregnancy.

(WHISPERING) Well, not
during the final trimester.

But no complications.
It's great!

Okay, well, that's technically,
I guess, what this is.

That's exactly what this is.

So my daughter is
just your slampiece?

No, no. "Slampiece"?

I'm just kidding. Slam away.

Have fun. I think this is great.

The only thing is, it
takes you off the market.

But what the hell.
The whole reason you go to the market

is to buy the produce,
which you already got.

It's so good to see you, baby.
I'm only gonna be here a few weeks.

I'm starving. You got any gin?

It's in the kitchen.

You gotta go.

Is she wearing Axe body spray?
I don't know. Come on.

LORNA: Bananas in the refrigerator?
What are you, Puerto Rican?

That is terrible, Mother. Just joking.
Your dad was Puerto Rican.

What? You said
that he was Greek.

Potato, potato...
Get your shoes.

Okay. All right. Well, not...
Just go, just go.

I'll just put these
on on the bike?

Yeah. Okay.

It was nice to have met you...

LORNA: Hey.
And your pants are coming off.

Oh, my... Mom! Mom, please!

Back, back!

That's what I'm talking about!

We're kicking every
gay ass out here!

I don't say that pejoratively,
I say it hopefully.

Hold it. Any of you gay?

Not even you? Come on, man.

Come talk to me after.
Give me five minutes of your time.

I might be able to let
you see some reason.

(LETA WOMAN BE A WOMAN
(AND A MAN BE A MAN) PLAYING)

(MEN WHOOPING AND HOOTING)

(CHEERING)

Look at you in the house!

Come on, baby!

I'm supposed to
meet up with Jamie.

Who's that, that headhunter?
Uh-huh.

What, you guys going out now?

No, no, no, We're just friends.
We're messing around a little bit.

What do you mean?
Sleeping together.

But it's just sex.

That never works, bro.

She's a girl. Sex always means more
to them even if they don't admit it.

Jamie's different.

Does she have a penis where
most girls have a vagina?

No penis.
Then she's no different.

What do you know
about women, anyway?

Dude, I've turned down more
tail than you'll ever have.

Yeah, bro. You're gay.

But the offers still keep rolling
in, naturally. Look at me.

And, hey, I love women.
They're beautiful, majestic,

mysterious, mesmerizing
creatures.

Smart, empathetic.
Far superior to men in every way.

And if I had a choice, I would
be with women to my dying day.

But me likes cock so I'm
strict-aly dick-aly.

So it's always just
about sex, then?

No. I've been in love.
I went down that rabbit hole.

You know what I discovered?

It's not who you want to
spend Friday night with,

it's who you want to spend
all day Saturday with.

Feel me, Felix?

Yeah, but then it's every Saturday
for the rest of your life.

It's okay, you don't get it.

It's no big deal. But you will.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

One day, you'll meet someone and it'll
literally take your breath away.

Like you can't breathe.
Like no oxygen to the lungs.

Like a fish...
Yeah, I get it, Tommy.

Yeah, you don't.

Nice work on that new
online site, by the way.

What was the font
on that headline?

It was Times Roman.

Times Roman. Inspired. I'm out.

You have a boat?

I live in Jersey.
And I ain't taking no ferry.

Unless it's out to
dinner and a show. Bam!

Hey. Yeah.

You and that Dylan? Way to go.
I mean the whole friendship-sex thing.

Kudos, baby, kudos.

(LAUGHS)

It's not that big of a deal.

It's just surprising.

I always thought you were
a true-love kind of girl.

Whatever, Mom. It's not like
it's stopping me from anything.

That's what I thought
back in '78,

And every year since.

I'm just...
I'm flattered, actually.

The apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.

It's just surprising.

There, done. It's...
There we go. Okay.

You look great! You look great.
You look like a princess.

Yeah! Really?

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, my friend gave me his
house in Montauk for July 4th.

Let's you and me go away together.
No men, no bullshit.

Just mother-daughter.
Like a Nora Ephron movie. (SCOFFS)

When was the last time we spent
a full weekend together?

When I was eight, that time in Vermont.
We got snowed in with the ski instructor.

Demitri. Bill.

He reminded me a lot
of your father.

Dark curls, olive skin,
Cold War accent.

My father was Russian?
I don't remember.

But what I do remember is we drank a
lot of vodka and shot a lot of guns.

Mom, this "who's your daddy"
game is getting really old.

I know I haven't been the
best mother in the world...

I'm sorry, were you waiting
for me to jump in?

Come on! Go away with me.
Come on!

Come on. Come on. (LAUGHING)

Okay, we'll do it.
It'll be fun, yeah?

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

Mom... I was trying to bond!

It was either this or sniff glue.
(LAUGHS)

Sorry about my mom.
I thought she was funny.

Yeah, she's really funny
when she's asking for money,

and she's hilarious when
she needs a place to stay.

Dylan, I think I wanna
start dating again.

Listen, I think
we should stop this.

Hmm. Yeah?

I kind of think you're right.

Right?

♪ Every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end ♪

That actually makes sense
right here.

Who would've thought Third Eye
Blind could be so prophetic?

Not Third Eye Blind.

I'm pretty sure
that's Third Eye Blind.

Do you wanna go
grab some lunch?

Yes. Okay.

You're buying. What?

Okay.

Oh.

Pants. Shirt.

So this is the end of this?

I guess so. But it's good. Yeah.

And We did it.
With no bullshit.

Shirt. Sweater.

We managed to actually
stay friends.

Yup. Yeah.

Okay. So, what is
your type, anyway?

No, I don't have a type.

It's more about what's inside.
Oh, please!

Okay, what about her?

DYLAN: Yeah. I could get
to know her inside.

And she's reading a book.

It's probably Nicholas Sparks.

I'm gonna go talk to her. What?

What do you mean, "What?
" We said we wanted to date again.

I'm gonna go talk to her. Now?

Here, in front of
all of these people?

I didn't say I was gonna rape her.
I said I was gonna go talk to her.

Excuse me. I'm Dylan.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, The Notebook.

(INAUDIBLE)

DYLAN: Nice meeting you.

Well? We talked. We laughed.

Yeah.

She's Belgian.
Explains the reading.

I showed her
where the balcony was,

because that's where she is
meeting up with her husband.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

DYLAN: Anniversary trip
to New York.

Three kids.
Christof, Karlina and Pepijn.

Shut up.

Why are you still laughing?
At least I gave it a shot.

Fine. I'll go next.

See if I still have game. Okay.

Okay. Oh, okay.

Yes. Right here. Eleven o'clock.

Iced coffee.
Handsome, but doesn't know it.

Staring at a tree, which means he's
actually in the park for nature

and not to watch
women sunbathe.

Or he's retarded. Don't care.

I'm going in.

(SCATTING)

Excuse me. Yes?

Hi. Hello.

I'm Jamie.

Yeah. Yeah, that works.

Oh, hi.

Okay.

Nice to meet you. Oh, my God!

(SCATTING)

Okay. His name is Parker.
He's a children's oncologist.

(SCATTING)

And I have a date
this Saturday.

(SCATTING A FAN FARE)

Nice. Thank you.

Why'd you wave to me?

I told him you were
my gay best friend,

so he wants to set you up
with his brother.

(SCATTING MOCKINGLY)

PARKER: College, med school,
and I haven't slept since.

JAMIE: I can't believe
you actually cure cancer.

Well, me and God.

What? I'm kidding.

Can you imagine someone who would
actually say that? (EXHALING DEEPLY)

Yeah, I could.
I've been out with a lot of them.

Cancer doctors? No, assholes.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Well, hopefully you're
all done with that.

Although, I gotta warn you, lot
of cancer doctors, big assholes.

Really? Yeah.

And brain surgeons,
huge perverts.

While they're doing this,
a little bit of that.

Hey.

(JAMIE LAUGHING)

Thank you.

When can I see you again?

Right now.

Ah.

I'm just kidding. Okay.

Can you imagine someone
who would actually say that?

JAMIE: I played the tuba
in high school.

World's stupidest instrument.

Especially when you move
eight times.

Why'd you move? My mom really
likes to break up with guys,

and she was really good at it.

Was your dad one of them?
No, no, he was long before that.

I actually never knew my dad.

I'm sorry. That sucks.

All right, look, I think I should
probably tell you something.

Please don't tell me
you're a dude.

Because that'll be like the
third time since I moved here,

and I don't think
I can handle that.

I have a five-date rule.

You know, like, five dates before we...
Yeah.

I saw it in a movie.
I thought I'd give it a try.

You're worth waiting for.

I'm sure that was the line
in the movie you saw.

(LAUGHING)

PARKER: That's awesome.

This four-year-old that I've been
working on for the last couple months,

he's gonna be fine.

That's great. Yeah.

How is a guy like you single?

I've just been waiting for someone
to come up to me in the park

and compliment me for looking at
the trees and not the sunbathers.

I meant it. It was impressive.

Actually, if I'm gonna be
completely honest with you,

I was sleeping standing up.

I worked 36 hours straight.
I don't even know how I got to the park.

How is a girl like you single?

(CHUCKLES) oh...

I have issues.

One might even call me damaged.

Actually, one did
call me damaged.

Get out of here. Damaged how?

I kind of believe in true love.

That there might be a Prince
Charming out there for me.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING) Oh.

Listen, I know this is probably a no because
all you do is work like a dull boy,

but would you like
to come get a beer?

I'm good.

No, it's not a gay bar.

And there'll be just as
many hot girls as hot guys.

(PHONE BEEPING)

You know what? I will come out.

All right. Let's find you a lady.
(SCOFFS)

You're still not gay, right?

Nope. Okay.

What?
Do you know what today is?

Date number five.
I wasn't even counting.

Wanna go in the bedroom?
No. Here's fine.

(SNARLING)

I am so glad I met you tonight.
(MOANING)

Me, TOO.

(CONTINUES SNARLING)

What are you thinking?

Just how great you are.

(MOANS)

(PUMPED UP KICKS PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

(SNIFFING)

Annie, hey.

Who the fuck is Annie?

My sister.

Better be. I'll cut her.

Of course I'm coming.

Yeah, I'm taking the 4th off, so
I'll be there for three days.

(SNIFFING)

(BLOWING)

Yeah. How's Dad?

Any worse?

All right, tell him I said hi.

Bye, Banannie.

I want you to meet my parents.

No, you... Really?

(MOANING)

God!

(CLOSING TIME RINGTONE PLAYING)

♪ I know who I want
to take me home.

♪ I know who I want
to take me home.

♪ I know who I want
to take me home ♪

Hey. Hold on, hold on.

No, just hold on.
Just give me a second.

I gotta go find
a place to talk. Okay.

(LORNA GRUNTING)

Shit. Shit. Just hold on.

Oh, sorry. Hold on.

I was out pretty late
last night.

When I got in, you and your
girlfriend were on the couch

so I just crashed in your bed.

He's not a girl.
He smells like a girl.

You smelled him?
I wanna buy marshmallows.

What did you say?
For Montauk this weekend.

I wanna do a campfire,
like when you were little.

Okay.

And then we're gonna look for sticks.
I hear you. Sticks.

And then We're gonna sing.
We're gonna... (SNORING SOFTLY)

Just hold on a second.

Okay.

Okay.

What's up?

Do you think guys care more
about global warming

or how to wear white pants
to a cookout?

JAMIE: Well, that depends.

Do you have a hot model in a
bikini standing on an icecap?

No. Ski slope.

I'd still go with pants
to a cookout.

Yeah, me, too.

How's your boy Parker?
Still staring at trees?

Two coffees.
Yeah, he's still looking up at trees,

but this time it's actually
in my apartment.

It's the fifth date already?
Maybe. Thank you.

Did you guys "fifth-data?"

How dare you!
A lady never tells.

I know.
That's why I'm asking you.

(LAUGHS)

Hey. I gotta go. You have a great
trip in LA and call me when you land.

Okay.

JAMIE: Parker.

Hey.

Um...

I got us coffees.
Nonfat, one sugar, one Splenda.

I gotta get going. Oh, what?

I thought you weren't
on call today.

I'm not, but I got that thing...
I got stuff.

This... They just called me.

Really? Yeah.

The sneak-out.
How incredibly cliché of you.

I just...

I don't think I can be
your Prince Charming.

God, you totally didn't get anything
that I was saying, did you?

No, no, no. I think you're great.
Yeah, you, too.

Hey, you know what?
You and I should stay friends.

Really? No, go fuck yourself.

(NICE TRY PLAYING)

DYLAN: Who sleeps standing up?

You know,
you'd be really proud of me.

I didn't even blink when I
told him to go fuck himself.

You did just then, though.
This does not count. I'm not in the moment.

I don't know,
maybe I suck in bed.

Trust me,
you don't suck in bed.

Thank you. So needy.

Hey, maybe the guy's
married or something.

No, did a background check
at work.

Single, no criminal history,
credit report 720.

Background check.
Did you do one on me?

How could you possibly
max out an Old Navy card?

After college I was
really into cargo pants.

Dylan, I gotta stop thinking
it's not me.

I mean, it's gotta be me.
It's not you.

Nothing is wrong with you.

He's a guy.
You gave him a five-date challenge,

he got you and cutout.
Forget the douche.

He's a dick.
He's a dick-douche.

Go have fun with your mom.

Okay. Oh. Almost forgot.
I got you something.

It's Lieutenant Kali, the
street artist we talked about.

I got him to do something
for you. "F-tale." Fairytale.

I know you're into that girly shit, so...
This is so cool.

Dylan,
that's actually really sweet.

It's cool, right?
Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, I'm gonna need
to borrow cab fare.

I'm not taking that thing on the subway.
I don't wanna get rolled.

No problem.

As long as you get your feet off my bed.
They're disgusting.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?
Why are you doing that?

You're an animal. Stop doing that.
An animal. Stop.

Hey, Ma.

Ma. Come on,
we gotta get on the road.

Come on.

Ma?

Ouch.

Why did I think that this
time would be any different?

Come with me to LA. What?

What else are you gonna do?
It's 4th of July, everybody's left the city.

You're very sweet for asking,
but it's fine.

You know what, I'll just stay here.
I'll be fine alone.

I know you'll be fine alone.
You're not a baby in a hot car.

I'm actually asking you to
come because it would help me.

You'd be a great distraction
for my family.

They'd forget all about
drilling me for being single.

Won't they think
that we're together?

Not if I tell them we're not.
And they'll believe you?

Yeah, we're one of these crazy families
that doesn't lie to each other.

PBS is doing
a documentary on us.

Come on, they'll love you.

All fast-talking and brusque,
like I'm bringing home a carny.

You're really nice to ask,
but I'm just gonna stay here.

Go to the gym.

I just got you a ticket with my
miles, it's done. Meet me at JFK.

But... No buts.

Like you were gonna go to the gym.
I wasn't.

(SUCH A COLORFUL WORLD PLAYING)

LA's so nice.

Hmm. And everyone's so
genuine and level-headed.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks for this.
You're good peeps.

You're the good peeps, dude.

You haven't met my family.
You don't know what you're in for.

Okay.

(SIGHING) You know these planes
pretty much land themselves?

Nobody cares.
You sound like an asshole.

She's from New York.

I'm sorry.

Wow. This looks normal.

It is.

Thank you.

Wow, you grew up here?

It was my grandfather's.

He bought it when there
was nothing else here.

My dad and my sister
and her son live here now.

What...
Why would you move to New York?

I was conned by some headhunter.
(LAUGHS)

You're here. Sammy!

Hey, Uncle Dylan.

What's up, buddy? (GRUNTS)

How are you?

Jamie, this is my nephew,
Sam the Magnificent.

Hello. May I offer you a
light for your cigarette?

I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Just pretend. He's a magician.

Of course I'll have a cigarette.
Smoking is great for you.

(GASPS)

Wow. Thank you, good sir.
My pleasure, my lady.

Oh, my God. I got it, I got it.

Sammy. I got it, I got it.
Just stay still. I got it, I got it.

Sammy! Are you okay?

(ANNIE EXHALING DEEPLY)
All part of the illusion.

Jet Skis later? Definitely.

DYLAN: Still into magic, huh?

Yep. But I'll take that over him
sexting his friends any day.

Dilbert! Banannie.

(GRUNTING)

Jamie,
this is my sister, Annie.

Hi. Thank you for having me.

Oh, please. It's nice to have
Dylan bring a girl home.

We're just friends.
Oh, no, I know.

If you were his girlfriend, he
never would've brought you here.

This one has intimacy issues.
I know.

Dylan. Dad.

Dylan. Oh, man. Hey.

How you doing, buddy? I'm good.

I miss you guys, but I'm good.

Oh!

Dede Spencer?

Jamie. Dylan's friend.

I'm sorry. I... That's okay.

No, for a minute you reminded
me of a girl I used to know.

No, that's okay. It happens.
Nice to meet you.

Pleasure meeting you.
You have a beautiful house.

Thank you.

Pool's a little cold, but it's
very expensive to heat, so...

I think I'm gonna go in
and check the tide tables

'cause I'm gonna take the boat
out early in the morning.

You should come.
I would love to.

We sold the boat.

The doctor doesn't want you
driving the boat any more.

(SIGHS)

Turning to mush. No.

It's good to see you, buddy.

Nice to meet you.
It was nice meeting you, too.

Jamie. See? Yes.

What's with the pants?
He doesn't like them any more.

He's getting worse.

It's so good to have you here.

Go show her the beach.

Let me show you the beach.
Come on. Okay.

Go, get sandy.
Get all messed up. Okay.

JAMIE: Dylan never told
me about your dad.

Yeah, it's been tough on him.
They were real close.

Dylan doesn't quite know how
to deal with the Alzheimer's.

I'm sorry.

He'll be his regular old self
and everything seems fine,

and then just in a flash,
he's gone.

That's Dylan when he was nine.
Are those braids?

He was going through a Kris Kross phase.
Remember them?

♪ Kris Kross will make you
Jump! Jump! ♪

(LAUGHING)

Is that your mom?
No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.

He had a stutter.
It got real bad when he was nervous.

He had a rough childhood.

His math tutor called it
"character-building." Math tutor?

No, we're talking, like,
8 times 6 equals 1,200.

But he's very visual,
thank God.

Can you please explain
to me this photo?

That is my 12th-birthday
surprise party.

Hey. Amazing moment.

I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna go to bed.

Jamie, you all good with your room?
Yeah. No, it's perfect.

Thank you.
Thank you for everything.

(MOANING SOFTLY)

Sammy and I built
a saw-a-girl-in-half box,

so just be careful
on your way to bed.

He's not using a real saw,
is he?

Of course he is.
He's magnificent.

I'll make sure he brushes his teeth, and
you, don't believe anything she says.

She's a liar. (LAUGHING)

He's a pretty special guy.
Yeah, I think so.

(KNOCKING)

(WHISPERING) Jamie. Hey.
(WHISPERING) Hey.

You up? Yeah. Come in.

I thought you were going to bed.
I was.

But then I realized we were
both single again, so...

Oopsy. (GASPS)

Oopsy.

Dude, no. Why not?

I washed my hands.
With soap this time.

Are you serious?
Why would you just assume?

You cracked your neck on the porch.
This thing. That's your tell, remember?

I cracked my neck because we
were on a flight for six hours,

and you were yapping my ear off about
how planes all fly themselves,

and it actually kinked
my neck a bit.

So, no?
No. Not having sex with you.

Is it your special time?
They have an app for that. No, wait.

Nope, you're good to go.
We talked about this.

Plus, I just got dumped, so...
Okay, I'm sorry.

I thought this would be a good
way to take your mind off him.

No, I don't function that way.
Sex is not gonna help.

But you know what will?
Emotional support.

Before we were sex without emotion,
and now we're emotion without sex.

Exactly.

I just need you
to be my friend right now.

Okay. So I'll listen to you
while you give me a hand job.

No. I'm kidding.
I got it. Good night.

Wait, hold on! Friends can still hang
out and, I don't know, listen to music.

Listen to music?

♪ Jump! Jump!
The Mac Dad will make you... -♪

I'm gonna kill Annie.

I can't believe you used to like them.
I didn't like these guys.

I don't even remember...

♪ Don't try to compare us
to another bad little fad.

♪ I'm the mac and I'm bad give
you something that you never had.

♪ I'll make ya jump, jump
Wiggle and shake your rump.

♪ 'Cause I'll be kicking up
something that make you wanna jump.

♪ How high? Real high
'Cause I'm just so fly.

And then there's something, I don't
know what he says right there...

♪ Inside-out is wiggity
wiggity, wiggity wack ♪

Are you kidding me?
These dudes were da bomb.

Everybody had Girbauds,
we all wore them backwards.

The baseball jerseys.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

I went as Kris Kross three
years in a row for Halloween.

Oh, you poor kid.
I'm not proud of it.

Hey, I borrowed one of your books.
I hope that's okay.

(JUMP PLAYING)

Like this.

No.

Surprise! (SCREAMS)

(JAMIE LAUGHING)

(ROMANTIC BALLAD PLAYING)

Have you really never brought
a girl home before?

I brought you here. Mmm-mmm.

I mean like a real girl.
Not a friend.

A real girl? Yeah.

I guess not.

Separation of church and state.
Ah, yes.

Build up as many walls as possible.
That's really healthy.

What, are you talking to
me about walls? Yeah.

What about you and your mom?

You couldn't get me out of there fast
enough when she walked in on us.

That was for your own
protection. Okay?

I'm just surprised she didn't try to
slip you her number or something.

She did.
She put it in my phone.

Under "MILF." Oh, my God.

It's cool, we only
hooked up, like, twice.

I'm starting to get
a mental image.

Well, I have a video image.

No. Just stop it. Just stop it.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Just wrong.

What?

Nothing. Just glad I met you.

Yeah, well, knowing you
doesn't suck either.

But I thought you said...
I know what I said.

(GASPS)

Oopsy.

(BANGING) Ow!

God.

Lasorda was a good pitcher, but
he was an even better manager.

Wrecking Crew? I wasn't saying
he's not a great manager.

He's underappreciated as a
pitcher, that's all I'm saying.

We get it. Guys.

Hi. Morning.

Good morning.
Is it always this beautiful out here?

Well, in between the fires and the
floods, we get about 10 good days.

Oh. No, no. Here.
You two sit together.

Are you sure? Oh, yeah, no, no.

You don't have to do that, Dad.

I know.
I wanna look at the boat.

I love that boat.

Here. Sorry. Great. Thanks.

Here.

Thank you. This... Okay.

Coffee, my lady?
Oh. Yes, please.

Thank you.

Woah!

All right, man! Look at you!

That's pretty impressive.
ANNIE: Yay, Sammy!

DYLAN: All right!

Oh, buddy. Your shirt's leaking.
Oh, no, that's...

Apologies.

Here.

You okay? Yeah.

You? Yeah.

(FIREWORKS PLAYING)

See them, Sammy? Yeah. Woah!

Pretty cool, huh? Yeah.

God, it's nice.

I do miss the mornings out here.
Right before it burns off, it really is beautiful.

I like Jamie.

And she's pretty, too.

Hey, easy, dude.
Don't you go casting a spell on her.

I'm a magician, not a wizard.
You and your gay Harry Potter.

You can't deny that going to
Hogwarts wouldn't be life-changing.

I miss you.
I miss you, too, bud.

Mom misses you.
And so does Grandpa.

Does he say anything?

No. But sometimes
he calls me Dylan.

He said that he didn't
want the job.

That he was just coming to New
York to explore his options.

What a crock of gas.

You fly across the country
to explore your options?

Please. I don't think so.

Exactly! Please, I knew I had him
the second he got off that plane.

Oh, did you, now? Yeah.

Was that the same second you leapt
onto the baggage carousel barefoot

and acted out a scene from Will and Grace?
(EMBARRASSED LAUGH)

She did? Oh, yeah, you
should have seen her.

"Look at me,
I'm goofy but cute."

You know what?
It was all part of my plan.

Quite a plan.

Did you major in Planning
at Headhunting College?

So clever. It's not a real
college, by the way, buddy.

You guys bicker like
you're an old married couple.

Here, pick a card, my lady.

Okay.

Oh, no, not that one.
The one on top.

This is a good one. So...

Yeah? Shuffle.

Did you get her
an engagement gift?

We're not engaged, Dad.
We're not together. We're just friends.

All right, you don't wanna label it.
I understand. But get her some jewelry.

The only thing your mom
loves is jewelry.

I don't care how upset she is, I get
her jewelry, she lights right up.

Where is she, anyway?

She's not here, Dad.
I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?

She's not coming. Why not?

She doesn't live with you any more, Pop.
You're not married.

MR. HARPER: What?
She left about 10 years ago.

I don't understand.

She divorced you, Dad.

I have to call her.
Dad, you can't.

Stop telling me what to do.

Get your... (BREATHING DEEPLY)

(ALL GASPING) SAM: Grandpa!

ANNIE: Dylan, get...

DYLAN: You okay, Dad?
I'm fine, I'm fine.

Here, let me help you up.
No, don't. Don't!

(PANTING)

(I WILL FOLLOW YOU
INTO THE DARK PLAYING)

Here we are.

This is beautiful.

Yeah, this is where I used
to come to think. My rooftop.

Okay, how high do you
think that fence is?

I'm a little over 6 foot.

Looks like it's about three of me.
So six times three...

Ninety-two feet.

Ninety-two feet.
That's really tall, right? Yeah.

But they don't want you to get up
there, so I guess that makes sense.

Wait. Six times three...
Oh, God, you poor kid.

What's up? Come on.

What? What?
Where are you going?

Jamie, no, no, no, no, no, wait.
They take this shit seriously, okay?

Look at all the cameras.

This is the only landmark this city has
other than the Scientology Center.

And if any of these cameras are hooked
up to the actual Scientology Center,

that was an inappropriate joke
and I apologize.

I believe in the freedom
of science fiction.

(COUGHING) Pussy! Oh, sorry.

Pussy!

Come on!

JAMIE: You really never been
up here before? DYLAN: No.

I've also never transferred
heroin in my rectum,

'cause it's against the law.

You know, sometimes a simple
yes or no answer is adequate.

Hey, why didn't you tell me
about your mom?

She's not worth talking about.

That's rough.

So is leaving
your husband and kids.

Yeah, you never told me
about him either.

You know, there's a lot of
stuff you didn't tell me.

I don't want your pity.

I can handle anything except
that look in people's eyes.

That one.
Who cares what anybody thinks?

He's the smartest man
I've ever known.

He's the only person
I'd ever go to for advice.

He's my dad.

Dylan, he's still the same man.

When I see the way
people look at him now...

It doesn't matter
how people look at him.

All that matters
is how you look at him.

Yeah, but he's walking around without his pants.
Everyone's staring.

So what? It's embarrassing.

He needs to know
that nothing has changed.

That he's still that
same man to you.

Can we stop talking about this?

Yeah, that's really smart.
Let's just not talk about our feelings.

I'm trying not to.

Come on. Is something going on here?
You've been acting really weird.

No, I haven't. Yeah, you have.

Is this about what happened
the other night?

What, sex? That doesn't mean anything.
You know that.

Right.

And I haven't been acting weird.
Okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

I told you! Well, I'm sorry!

Fuck!

OFFICER: This is the LAPD.
You are trespassing. Get down from the sign.

We gotta jump.

JAMIE: Dylan, jump!
(STUTTERING) I'm frozen.

Come on, get down!

Sir, this is your last warning.

Use the ladder!
I have a fear of heights!

(STUTTERING) And also helicopters!
They don't make sense to me!

What do you mean
you have a fear of heights?

Why would you come up here?

You called me a pussy!

NEWS ANCHOR: A bizarre situation
this afternoon in the Southland.

The LAPD rescued a local man
from the Hollywood sign,

the city's only real landmark.

They actually wrapped you
in a foil blanket!

Did you run a marathon
before this?

Okay. Give me... No!

No, no. I wanna save it.
I gotta save it. No. That's enough!

Give me the remote! Shut up!
No, I wanna watch it over and over.

Ow, ow, ow! Foil wrapper...

(PREPARES TO SPIT)
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's okay,
it'll be up on YouTube.

(ANNIE SIGHS)

Hey, you're still good
to take Dad that week

I have to go to DC
for Sam's class trip, right?

Yeah, he's gonna stay with
me in New York. Oh, good.

So, when are we gonna
see Jamie again?

I don't know.

What's your problem?
Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.
Why don't you believe me?

I would believe you
if you didn't lie to me.

I saw you creeping out
of her room the other night.

Like you had just had sex,
if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean,
you just said it.

And how do you know what I
look like after I have...

I'm not talking to you about this, okay?
We're not together.

Dylan. Enough!
I'm not talking about it.

Dylan.

Forgot my saw.
I'll be right back.

(LAUGHING)

I'll wait here.
Don't worry about me.

Friends who have sex?
What are you, in college?

It doesn't matter, it's over.
Why?

Because we don't like
each other like that.

Okay, you know what?
Can we just talk about this? Sit down.

What more are you looking for?

Who says I'm looking for anything?
Dylan.

I don't know,
but it's not Jamie.

Why, because you're
great together?

Because you're actually
friends with each other?

Because this is the happiest
I have ever seen you?

I don't know what to tell you.

She's not for me.
I don't like her like that.

You liked her enough
to have sex with her.

It's just physical.

Like playing tennis.

I don't even know
what that means, Dylan.

I haven't seen you this dumb since
you got that candy corn tattoo.

It's a lightning bolt!
With extra powers!

Dylan, you can't name one
thing that's wrong with her.

I can never go out with her.

She's too fucked up.

Okay, she doesn't want a boyfriend.
She's too damaged.

Magnum P.l. couldn't solve the
shit going on in her head.

Wow. You'll say anything
right now

not to admit that
you're perfect for each other.

Why am I still having this conversation?
Because I'm right.

Good talk, Annie. Dylan.

(SIGHS)

I don't think the three-point
line would have done anything.

He was taller than anyone alive.
No, but it helped Kobe.

Kobe Bryant is incredible.
It helped him.

You're men. You like sports.
You're men.

Scored 81 points. Please.

Hey! We were waiting for you.

I actually got
a call from work.

I have to be on a red eye
tonight back to New York.

Tonight? Yeah.

Tomorrow's the 4th,
I know, it sucks.

Well, at least let me
drive you to the airport.

No, no. It's fine. Stay.
I already called a cab. It's out front.

But thank you
guys for everything.

And thank you for letting me stay here.
It's been pretty great.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey. Hey.

Everything okay, buddy?
Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.

I just really gotta go.

So, thank you again.
I'm sorry I gotta go.

Let Dylan drive you. Yeah.

ANNIE: Do you wanna take
some food to go?

SAM: Do you want me to
saw you in half?

You can send your
bottom part to New York

and your top
half can stay here.

(CHUCKLES)

Or the whole of you could stay.

Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Ah...

DYLAN: Jamie!

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

(TAKE A BOW PLAYING)

She's gone.
She hopped in the cab.

We should eat.
You hungry, buddy?

Yeah.

Okay. Hand me your plate.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Hey, bro. You hungry?
'Cause I'm going to get something to eat.

Thanks, man. I think I'm just
gonna work through lunch.

A work ethic. I love it.
That is why this country is still number one.

Well, behind Germany and France

and Belgium and
Japan and China and...

Thank God for Bangladesh.

(LAUGHS)

By the way, why did you take
your door off its lovely hinges?

It was dumb, man.
Something I saw in a management book.

Oh, right, right.
Like, that's how Warren Buffett got rich.

He took doors off of things.

Hey, everybody wants
a shortcut in life.

My guidebook is very simple.
You wanna lose weight?

Stop eating, fatty.

You wanna make money?

Work your ass off, lazy.

You wanna be happy?

Find someone you like
and never let him go.

Or her, if you're into
that kind of creepy shit.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(CLOSING TIME RINGTONE PLAYING)

(BEEPS)

Hi, you've reached
Jamie Rellis.

I can't pick up
the phone right now,

but please leave a message
and I'll call you back.

(LAUGHING)

Mom, Mom, you gotta
point it at the screen.

You gotta tell
it where you are.

Fine. I'm over here
pouring myself a drink.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh. Booty call.
I can take a walk around the block.

No, no. Nope, that's okay.

This is your apartment.
I don't wanna twat-block you.

That's Dylan, right?

He seemed pretty great.
You met him once.

Well, that's more than
anybody else you've dated.

I don't know, you think
maybe I keep my worlds apart

for some crazy reason?

I am an asshole.

We're looking for someone to lead
the redesign of our entire website.

Someone to turn it
completely upside down.

But you can't tell me
what company you work for?

For confidentiality reasons,

uh, no.

Can you give me a hint?

We may or may not be
the largest seller

of purchased
goods on the Internet.

And by "purchased goods,"
I mean books.

You just placed the new art
director over at GQ, right?

Uh, yeah.

That's the type of guy we want.

Shoot, that's the guy we want.

Can you get him
to come out to us?