비밀과 거짓말의 차이
( Must Love Dogs, 2005 )

 

레베카 - 백인 이성애자

 

쓸만한 남자 낚기엔 마트가 좋아요

 

쇼핑 목록 들었으면 유부남

 

냉동식품 코너에 서있으면 독신이죠

 

과일, 야채 코너엔 웰빙족이 많구요

 

마샤 - 백인 이혼녀

 

남자 꼬시기 제일 좋은 덴 철물점예요

 

찍은 남자에게 다가가 말하죠

 

'페니스 어딨어요? 아니, 스패너!'

 

'죄송해요 낮술을 했더니...'

 

내가 헤픈 걸 귀띔하는 거죠

 

술을 좋아하는 것도...

 

비니 - 브루클린 출신

 

영어 야간 교실에서 여잘 만나고 싶었죠

 

거긴 이민자가 많거든요

 

미국 문화가 낯선 그들에게

 

영어 잘하는 내가 인기 끌 것 같았는데

 

다, 착각이었어요

 

'꺼져'란 말만 14개국어로 들었죠

 

남자 낚는 장소요? 널린 게 남자 아녜요?

 

데이빗과 소냐 - 슈퍼모델

 

왜, 문제 있어요?

 

싫어, 이 남자 안 만나

 

전화 해봐 내 독서클럽 회원이야

 

- 이 여잔 뭐야?
- 부인이야

 

네가 거절하면 재결합할지 몰라

 

여기 하와이야

 

옆에 있는 게 너라면 좋겠다

 

알로하

 

- 혹, 맘 변하면...
- 나도 사진 있어

 

그래서들 온 거야?

 

- 남자들 사진 하나씩 갖고?
- 가족이 나서야지

 

넌 아직 젊고 예뻐

 

이혼이 끝은 아냐

 

엄마랑 해로한 아빤

 

- 이혼을 몰라요
- 그래, 인정해

 

'오, 찢겨나간 두 영혼이여'!

 

염장 질러요?

 

네 엄마가 있으면

 

- 도움이 될 텐데...
- '차 한잔 더 타'

 

그러셨겠죠 아일랜드식 만능 해결법!

 

- 늘 통했어
- 얜 누구야?

 

몰라, 인터넷 검색해줘?

 

집에 먹을 게 과자뿐야?

 

이건 뭐야, 바나나?

 

한땐 그랬을걸?

 

- 한달간 쇼핑 못했어
- 어쩔 거야?

 

- 이혼한지 8달째야
- 이대로 늙지, 뭐

 

골방에 박힌 할망구가 되어

 

허브차나 마시고 개나 키우고...

 

여보, 새러 친구감 없어?

 

'새러 친구감'! 드라마 제목 같군

 

- 좋은 사람 없어?
- 없는데?

 

불륜도 좋다면 유부남이야 많지

 

그건 최종 옵션예요

 

- 불륜도 괜찮지
- 남자는 아무튼...

 

내꺼 가리지마

 

'불륜'은 따로 붙여요

 

네

 

제이크

 

안녕, 찰리

 

이혼 수속 끝났어

 

넌 자유야, 야호!

 

'야호'는 아니지 난 아내에게

 

- 무참히 버림받았어
- 하이파이브?

 

그것도 아냐

 

- 밑으로는?
- 그만 해둬

 

넌 내 의뢰인 중 최악이야

 

- 고마워
- 왜 재산을 다 줘?

 

판사도 널 동정해

 

- 네게 뿅 갔더라
- 판사는 취미없어

 

농담이 아냐

 

'전화 안 하면 체포할 거예요!'

 

이 보트 멋지네

 

근사한데? 내 보트, 사달라고 해볼까?

 

레슨도 해준다고 해

 

요즘은 플라스틱 같은

 

첨단소재 보트만 인기야

 

그게 보트냐?

 

네 보트보단 몇 배 빠르지

 

시합에 진 후, 손 많이 봤어

 

- 우승도 가능해
- 그럼 왜

 

통 안 팔려?

 

우승 얘긴 좀 오버고

 

승선감은 비교가 안돼, 봐!

 

난 수공으로 만들어

 

15세기 해양제국의 배와 똑같이!

 

이 보트는 역사야

 

그냥 보트가 아냐

 

- 타임머신이라구
- 그 정성, 리사한테

 

- 쏟지
- 그러게...

 

잘못된 만남이었어

 

리사는 슬픔만 가르쳐줬어

 

사랑의 허망함과

 

변화무쌍함도...

 

- 비싼 교훈 배웠지
- 대신 위자료 주잖아

 

미안해 제니퍼가 힘들대서...

 

나, 얘 좋아해 마더 테레사, 좋은 남자 없니?

 

제니퍼랑 괜찮아?

 

응, 단지 가족모임에 오면

 

소외감이 드나봐

 

케빈도 그랬어

 

- 나도 그래
- 나두요

 

지금은 힘들겠지만

 

곧 좋은 남자 만날 거야

 

난 시장 가치가 없어

 

누나 근사해 똑똑하고 재밌고

 

안 징징댈 땐 예뻐

 

내가 징징대?

 

큰 누나보단 덜 하지만...

 

난 안 징징대 혼자 삭히지

 

- 그건 막내지
- 맞아

 

아니야

 

- 실비아 플라스
- 대가족은

 

이게 문제야

 

- 안녕, 사랑해
- 사랑해

 

- 갈게
- 사랑해

 

- 갈게요!
- 고마워, 어쨌든...

 

잘 가라!

 

- 갈게요
- 아빠 안녕

 

안녕!

 

네 짝이 어딘가 있을 거야, 새러

 

꼭 있어 네게 맞는 짝!

 

케빈은 사실 네 남편으론

 

많이 부족했어

 

진작 말해주시지

 

밑져야 본전이지

 

이혼한 건 둘 다에게 피차 잘된 거야

 

끝엔 둘 다 불행했지

 

처음에도 그랬어

 

중간에도...

 

리사는 자고 싶은 여자지 아내감은 아냐

 

- 안 그래!
- 내가 들리게 말했냐?

 

- 그래
- 못들은 걸로 해

 

법정으로 생각하고 그 증언, 잊어

 

여잔 자신의 틀에

 

사랑을 맞추려고 해

 

원하는 대로... 내가 말했나?

 

각본을 다 써놓지

 

일방적 각본

 

거기서 벗어난 남잔

 

각본에서 삭제돼

 

난 3장에서 삭제됐어

 

4장이지 내가 여자 붙여줄게

 

난 심신이 지쳤어

 

쉬고 싶어 그냥 냅둬줘

 

피곤해 냅둬줘, 냅둬줘

 

냅둬줘

 

린 퀴진

 

하기스

 

잠시만요, 손님

 

- 뭘 드릴까요?
- 닭 가슴살 한쪽요

 

75센트 더 내시면

 

오늘은 한 마리 드려요

 

한 마린 다 못 먹어요

 

- 겨우 75센트예요
- 돈보단

 

버릴까봐 그러죠

 

요리법 많아요 남은 건 냉동실에...

 

잘 들어요, 아저씨 난 이혼했어요

 

서서 혼자 먹는다구요

 

음식 남는 거 싫어요!

 

고마워요

 

새러, 이제 와?

 

- 주말 잘 지냈어?
- 덕분에...

 

어제 전화했었어 영화 보자고...

 

- 볼링 같이 치든가...
- 에릭 부모님이 오셔서

 

집에서 꼼짝도 못했어

 

- 또?
- 날...

 

싫어하시면서도 꼭 집에서 묵으셔

 

에릭도 신경이 곤두서 있어

 

그래도 자기 둘은 내겐

 

- 사랑의 모델이야
- 그거 걱정되네

 

주말에 재밌는 일 있었던 사람?

 

삼촌이 자고 갔어요

 

친척은 정말 소중하죠

 

친척 아닌데 엄마가 그렇게 부르래요

 

그 삼촌 오면 엄마랑 같이 못 자요

 

또 얘기할 사람?

 

오스틴

 

부모님이 별거한대요

 

- 통일된 주제네
- 그러게요

 

엄만 아빠가 순 난봉꾼이래요

 

좋아!

 

하나, 둘!

 

나도 해볼래!

 

잘 하네

 

스텝이 독특한데? 좋아!

 

- 몰리, 해볼래?
- 그래, 해봐

 

그렇게 하는 거야

 

- 나도 해볼래
- 싫어!

 

오스틴!

 

쌍코피 났잖아!

 

이빨 괜찮아?

 

- 안녕, 바바!
- 아빠 오셨네

 

아빠!

 

- 괜찮니?
- 괜찮아요

 

코피가 났지만 이젠 괜찮아요

 

- 그새 아빠를 불렀네
- 다쳤는데 와야죠

 

가방 챙겨올래?

 

- 선생님과 얘기 좀 할게
- 내일 봬요

 

안녕

 

맙소사, 아냐

 

놀란 선생님

 

- 새러로 부르세요
- 밥입니다

 

바비로들 부르죠

 

전 밥이 좋은데...

 

전 바비에게 약해요

 

첫사랑 이름도 바비였죠

 

알죠?

 

교사가 개인 얘기하는 거 좀 그렇죠?

 

전 좋은데요 친밀감도 들고...

 

오스틴한테 들으셨죠?

 

부모님 얘기요?

 

아빠가 난봉꾼이라 별거한대요

 

그건 걔 엄마

 

- 입장에서의 얘기죠
- 안되셨네요

 

애 좀 신경 써주세요

 

- 네
- 애가 너무

 

- 영감 같아요
- 제겐

 

연금 들었냐고 묻더군요

 

선생님 노후가 걱정됐나 보죠

 

선생님이 좋대요 이유를 알겠네요

 

- 고마워요, 밥
- 바비로 불러요

 

바비가 끌리시면...

 

'닥터 지바고'를 남자 둘이 본다...

 

- 이건 좀 이상해
- 이 속엔 다 있어

 

뜨거운 열정

 

고통 목숨 건 사랑

 

죽음도 막지 못할 운명적 순애보

 

- 그런 걸 원해
- 밖에 좀 나가

 

- 사람도 만나고!
- 한번 더 볼까?

 

여자나 만나래두 인터넷 광고로...

 

인터넷? '지바고'로 광고 내

 

'사랑에 고통받는 의사 겸 시인이'

 

'시베리아 여행의 동반자를 찾음'

 

메일이 수백통 올걸?

 

동양 여자 어때? 낚시광으로!

 

- 관심없어
- 널 위해서야

 

- 웃기네
- 셰리는 어때?

 

- 네 전화 기다린대
- 셰리가?

 

걘 24세고 태보와 킥복싱을 좋아해

 

섹시하고 쉽게 굴잖아

 

그럼 네가 만나

 

내 사무실 동료 절반과 잤어

 

아까 내가 '각본' 얘기했지?

 

걔 각본엔 등장인물이 많아

 

난 단역도 못돼

 

그런 가벼운 만남은 싫어

 

'50대 젊은 오빠가'

 

'지긋한 사랑을 나눌 여성 원함'

 

'개와 자전거를 좋아하는 분 환영'

 

'노란 장미를 들고 있겠음'

 

- 딱 내 타입이네
- 브라 탑 어딨니?

 

- 뭐?
- 브라 탑

 

- 걱정마, 챙겨왔어
- 아, 브라 탑

 

- 나 그거 못 입어
- 들어봐

 

잡지에 나온 데이트 성공 요령!

 

그런 게 꽤나 도움되겠다

 

일단 좀 들어봐

 

생각해서 준비한 건데...

 

첫째, 눈을 마주치되

 

오래 굶은 매처럼 쏘아보진 말 것

 

오래 굶은 매? 내 얘긴데?

 

둘째, 남잔 호감 보이는 여자에게 성욕을 느낀다

 

- 정말?
- 상대가

 

맘에 들면 동공이 활짝 열린대

 

동공을 확 열어

 

맙소사

 

내가 데이트를 해? 안돼! 자신없어

 

겁낼 거 없어

 

같이 자고 싶으면 어떡해?

 

간만에 남잘 보면 눈이 뒤집혀서

 

덮칠지도 몰라

 

공공장소에서 만나니까 못 그래

 

- 아빠?
- 새러!

 

우리 예쁜 딸

 

어딜 가나 빛이 나네

 

여긴 웬일이에요?

 

딸에게 듣는 인사치곤 멋없군

 

죄송해요 실은... 헌데 이 꽃...

 

- 장미예요?
- 장미 맞아, 그 이름 말고

 

달리 뭐라 부르겠니?

 

- 여자한테 주실 거죠?
- 그래, 여자 줄 거야

 

- 안돼요!
- 너무 그러지 마라

 

이 애비도 이제 여자 친구 하나쯤 있어야지

 

엄마가 허락했어 꿈속에서...

 

그 '여자친구', 혹시

 

지긋한 사랑을 원한대요?

 

그래, 맞아

 

제가 그 여자예요

 

제가 답신 보낸 여자라구요

 

웃을 일 아녜요

 

역시 내 딸은 보는 눈이 있어

 

젊은 50대? 아빤 71세예요

 

게다가 자전거광?

 

- 안 타신지 몇 년인데!
- 그 광고는 시였어

 

내 영혼의 바램을 담은...

 

그나저나 기쁘구나

 

- 뭐가요?
- 네가 데이트를 한다니...

 

전 지금 마음이 무진장 복잡해요

 

- 장미나 주세요
- 안돼

 

4시에 약속이 또 있어

 

새러의 집입니다 메시지 남기세요

 

크리스틴이야 전화 받아

 

어서! 아빠께 들었어

 

- 또 누가 아니?
- 아무도 몰라

 

캐롤 언닌 알 거 아냐

 

늘 캐롤 언니부터 알라는 법 있어?

 

너랑 같이 있지?

 

- 아니
- 안녕, 캐롤

 

새러, 아빠 만난다고 진작 말하지

 

나도 삼촌과 나가서 더블 데이트하게

 

못 말려!

 

영원히 입에 오를 얘깃거리 생겼군

 

추수감사절마다 이 얘길 하겠지?

 

추수감사절만? 성탄절 때도 할걸?

 

- 끊어
- 잠깐!

 

10점 만점에 울아빤 몇 점쯤 돼?

 

섹시? 왕 섹시?

 

내게 너무 화내지 마

 

대니를 뺏을 때도 그 말 했어

 

난 대니를 뺏은 적 없어

 

- 아직도 용서 안돼
- 걘 키스도 꽝이야

 

- 난 좋기만 하더라
- 사실은 나...

 

'천생연분 닷컴'에

 

네 이름하고 프로필 올렸어

 

농담이지?

 

남자들 광고에

 

답신만 달지 말고 적극 대쉬해

 

아빠랑 데이트한 충격도 안 가셨어!

 

네 프로필이나 일단 봐

 

고교 졸업 사진이네?

 

저 사진밖에 없었어

 

'몸매 빵빵'? 언니!

 

'몸매 빵빵'은 기본 옵션이야

 

'성격 좋은 섹시녀' '최고 퀸카'도 쌨어

 

'몸매 빵빵 매혹녀와 멋진 밤 보낼 분'

 

- '개를 좋아해야 함'
- 널 위해서야

 

그래도 화가 나

 

반응이 좋아 답신이 18건 왔어

 

내용 들어봤지?

 

난 3, 11, 14번 크리스틴은 2, 8번 찍었어

 

결정은 네가 해

 

음성 메시지 18개

 

'빵빵'이 뭔 뜻이죠? 가슴이 커요?

 

뚱뚱해요?

 

나, 개 좋아해요

 

유머 감각도 죽이죠

 

난 월터 테일러요 변호사죠

 

오페라를 좋아해요 내 답신 삭제 마요

 

잔뜩 차려 입고

 

약속장소에 갔더니

 

아버지가 앉아 계신 거예요 노란 장미를 들고...

 

그때, 감이 왔죠

 

- 왜요?
- 아뇨, 생각보단

 

나이가 드셔서...

 

25세부터 45세까진 괜찮다면서요

 

25세쪽을 더 바랬죠

 

23세나...

 

18세는 법에 걸리고...

 

나오니까 좋네요

 

요즘 우울했어요

 

네, 전화로 그러셨죠 우울증 있다고...

 

- 내가 울던가요?
- 약간이요

 

올해만 17번째 채였어요

 

첫 만남에서...

 

한 여잔

 

코트 맡기러 간 뒤 안 왔고

 

한 여잔 내 차에서 뛰어내렸죠

 

우린 샐러드 코스까진 버텼네요!

 

왜요?

 

레니

 

제발 울지 말아요

 

제발... 레니!

 

우리 모두 다 함께 손뼉을

 

같이 해요! 우리 모두

 

다 함께 손뼉을

 

맙소사!

 

조금만 더 힘내

 

젠장!

 

우리 집은 대가족이라

 

남자들과 늘 팔씨름 했어요

 

5판 3승제!

 

- 다음에 하죠
- 해봅시다!

 

- 식사 준비됐습니다
- 운동해서 배고프네

 

여기 음식, 맛있지만 비싸요

 

각자 내기로 해요

 

내가 뭐랬죠?

 

'내 여자 먹은 건 내가 낸다'

 

당신, 예뻐

 

수갑 채우면 죽이겠군

 

찰리, 여기 그림 좋다

 

- 물이 별로인데?
- 작품 말야

 

- 꽤 비싸겠네
- 안녕

 

- 안녕!
- 걸작품 왔다

 

- 셰리
- 찰리, 제이크 잘 지냈지?

 

뺨에 뽀뽀!

 

- 프랑스식이야
- 파티 재밌어?

 

응, 화가들이 안됐어

 

사람들이 그림보단 섹스 생각뿐이니...

 

내가 그래

 

왜 전화 안 해? 기다렸는데...

 

내가 그렇대두

 

미안해, 난 아직 자기같이 멋진 여자와

 

진지하게 사귈

 

마음의 준비가 안된 것 같애

 

- 자기도 이 매너 배워
- 셰리

 

- 자기야!
- 엽기걸이야

 

네가 비정상이야

 

난 여자 문제에 늘 서툴잖아

 

인터넷 광고 흥미 없어

 

'몸매 빵빵... 개를 좋아해야함'

 

사진 봐

 

매력 있네

 

새러

 

크면 환상이겠는데?

 

포르노 사이트 보는데

 

'천생연분 닷컴'이 떴어

 

얘 프로필 보니

 

네 생각나더라 신의 계시처럼!

 

고맙지만 아직은 싫어

 

약속 잡았어 개 데려가

 

안 나가

 

괜찮아

 

짖지마!

 

말로 해

 

짖지마, 앉아!

 

짖지마, 앉아!

 

- 짖지마, 앉아!
- 못 알아듣네요

 

- 딴 건 없어요?
- 브루노, 여길 봐!

 

시체놀이!

 

- 봐요, 잘하죠?
- 대단하네요

 

- 새러?
- 제이크

 

- 안녕하세요
- 안녕하세요

 

학사모 안 쓰니 좀 달라 뵈네요

 

네

 

- 녀석, 놀라운데요?
- 네

 

진짜 죽은 듯 연기해요

 

수도승처럼 심장도 멈출 수 있죠

 

- 못 위에서 자고?
- 네, 가끔...

 

통증이 없대요 졸도하는 건가?

 

- 상 줘야죠
- 지금요?

 

도중에 깨워도 되나?

 

- 그건 주인이 알죠
- 실은 친구 개예요

 

- 속이고 나오셨네
- 아뇨

 

개를 키우진 않아도 좋아하긴 해요

 

이혼 전엔 키웠는데

 

아내가 알러지로 쇼크에 빠져서

 

개를 안락사 시켰죠

 

농담예요

 

댁의 개는 정말 멋지네요

 

- 안녕
- 마더 테레사예요

 

나병 환자 돌봐요?

 

빈민도 구제하고? 키운 지 얼마 됐죠?

 

얘도 내 개 아녜요 동생 개죠

 

정말 충격이네요

 

- 속이고 나오다니...
- 얘도 내 가족예요

 

난 개 좋아해요 남편도 알러지 있었죠

 

쇼크에 잘 빠졌어요

 

꾸민 얘기죠?

 

- 네
- 쌤쌤이네

 

궁금한 게 있는데...

 

'몸매 빵빵'을 왜 썼죠?

 

- 어머...
- 오해 마요

 

기준치 초과 때

 

그런 표현 쓰거든요

 

체격 백분율로 따져서...

 

'체격 백분율'도 있군요?

 

인터넷 용어죠

 

'루벤스 풍 미인' '가로본능' 등...

 

표현은 자유죠

 

'근육걸'은 '절벽'이란 뜻예요 당신은 아니네요

 

이거 또 오해 사겠네

 

미안해요

 

이런 만남은 처음이라 긴장해서...

 

꽤 능숙하신데요?

 

- 광고가 겸손했네요
- 다시 써줄래요?

 

- 싫은데요
- 왜요?

 

딴 남자 만날까봐요

 

미리 준비한 말이죠?

 

- 아뇨, 헌데 근사했죠?
- 네

 

- 살았네
- 다시 해요, 처음부터...

 

제이크예요

 

새러예요

 

왜 광고냈죠? 궁해 뵈진 않는데...

 

댁은 궁해서 나왔어요?

 

답신 보낸 거, 내 친구예요

 

- 난 언니가 광고 냈어요
- 언니가 낸 광고에

 

동생 개... 구두는 당신 꺼요?

 

시간이 많이 갔네! 가자

 

내 말은, 당신을 알고 싶다구요

 

개 데려다 줘야죠 연체료 물기 전에...

 

다시 만납시다 개들 빼고...

 

좋죠

 

전화할게요

 

다시 보니까

 

당신도 나름대로 빵빵 하네요

 

아빠 여친의 초대, 안 내켜

 

- 아빠가 반하셨어
- 마크랑 제이슨은?

 

애들과 놀러 갔어

 

애들 핑계로 도망친 거지

 

좋은 아빠들이네

 

공원에선 재밌었어?

 

- 어떻게 알아?
- 내가 누구니?

 

- 역시 대단해
- 얘기 좀

 

- 해봐
- 알았어

 

좀 티격댔지만 나중엔 괜찮았어

 

쫄아서 계속 무덤 파더군

 

내 생각 말해줘?

 

- 됐어
- 이건 성숙의 기회야

 

대니 뺏겼을 때 다 성숙했어

 

걜 그렇게 못 잊겠냐? 지금쯤 이혼한

 

건달됐을걸?

 

- 전화해봐
- 언니

 

쌍코피 난 꼬마의 아빠는 어때?

 

- 밥 코너?
- 응, 난봉꾼

 

그 남잔 원생의 아빠야

 

어때? 친아빠랑도 데이트 했는데!

 

- 빌!
- 돌리!

 

안녕!

 

- 집이 아담하고 예쁘네요
- 고마워

 

세번째 남편 죽은 뒤 작은 데로 옮겼어

 

몇명 중에 세번째요?

 

주방장갑 예쁘네!

 

어디서 사셨어요?

 

이 집 소품은 다 돌리가 만든 거야

 

감각이 뛰어나

 

울 엄마도 재봉 솜씨 좋았죠

 

- 새러
- 맞잖아요

 

아버지가 엄마 얘기 자주 해

 

멋진 분이셨더군

 

- 맞아요
- 많이 보고 싶겠네?

 

- 그래요
- 내 존재가

 

목의 가시겠지?

 

지금 심리 분석해요?

 

언제 저렇게 가까워졌어?

 

난 아빠 삶에 간섭 안 해

 

내 삶엔 간섭하잖아

 

그건 다르지 넌 삶이 없잖아

 

난 잘살고 있어

 

답신 확인해봤어?

 

몇명 쓸만하던데...

 

- 누구?
- LA의 엔지니어

 

- 조루증이 있대
- 그게 왜 쓸만 해?

 

네가 치료해 주는 거지

 

- 각본도 써놨어?
- 솔직해서 좋잖아

 

- 언니나 만나
- 만나봐

 

- 번호줄게, 전화해봐
- 그러지, 뭐!

 

- 전화해
- 알았어

 

안녕하세요, 놀란 선생님

 

왜 길에서 싸워요?

 

인사 드려

 

- 오스틴
- 안녕하세요

 

- 반갑다
- 누구세요?

 

- 우리 언니, 캐롤
- 반갑습니다

 

원생인 오스틴과 아빠, 밥 코너 씨야

 

바비로 바꿨어요

 

이 동네 사세요?

 

별거를 위해 이사왔죠

 

여기선 내가 제일 젊어요

 

- 저, 별거 중이거든요
- 알아요

 

우리 딸래미 좀 보게

 

정말 예쁘고 사랑스럽지?

 

그만해요, 창피하게...

 

그만해요 정말 예쁘긴 해

 

무슨 일 해요? 새러는 통 말을 안 해서...

 

논문 쓰고 있어요

 

- 리 장군에 대한...
- 동료에게

 

총을 겨눈 불행한 인물이죠

 

군복도 칙칙했고...

 

예쁜데다 유머도 있어

 

가끔 공사장에서 일해요

 

남자답네! 안전모 써요?

 

새러는 늘 남자들이 따랐어

 

- 아빠!
- 헌데 쟨 가수만 좋아했지

 

누구더라?

 

- 여자 같은...
- 믹 재거

 

새러는 데이빗 캐시디 팬이었어요

 

언닌 아니었어?

 

큰 언닌 애인 많았어

 

데이빗 캐시디? '페젼트 패밀리'의!

 

빌

 

'패트릿지 패밀리'죠 작년에 베가스에서 봤어

 

노래 잘하더라 모습도 여전해

 

새러는 미니스커트에

 

부츠를 신고

 

수전 데이 흉내를 냈죠

 

- 다 뻥이에요
- 노래해봐, 새러

 

- 진짜 화낸다
- 앞부분 기억나지?

 

# 여러분, 이 노래 들어봐요

 

- 싫어
- 해봐!

 

해봐!

 

# 함께 웃어봐요

 

# 우리 노래 속엔 사랑이 있죠

 

# 다 함께 웃어봐요

 

# 우리의 꿈은 온 세상에

 

# 사랑을 퍼뜨리는 것

 

# 함께 하면 늘 행복하죠

 

# 행복한 이 노래 들어봐요

 

# 여러분, 이 노래 들어봐요

 

# 다 함께 웃어봐요

 

# 우리 노래 속엔 사랑이 있죠

 

# 행복하게 웃어봐요

 

# 행복하게 웃어봐요

 

재밌는 남자네

 

- 오늘 즐거웠지?
- 응

 

가족 합창은 민망해도 재밌어

 

난봉꾼에 대한 느낌 말할까?

 

- 노래로 말해
- 섹시해, 잘 해봐

 

내 복에 무슨! 원생의 학부모야

 

그럼 어때? 박사에, 엉덩이도 끝내줘

 

아직 학위 안 땄어

 

- 엉덩인 멋지지만...
- 게다가 그 눈빛과

 

- 미소!
- 안돼

 

- 하나 물어보자
- 싫어

 

넌 이혼할 맘 없었지?

 

케빈이 안 떠났다면? 그래, 맞아

 

별로 안 행복했잖아

 

내 선택에 최선을 다하고 싶었어

 

새 출발, 자신없어

 

한번뿐인 기회를 망친 것 같애

 

뭐가 널 이렇게 만들었니?

 

- 성당?
- 그래

 

핑계가 좋다 한마디만 더 할게

 

날 사랑한다구? 알아

 

그래, 사랑해

 

점수를 못 땄어 50점도 안돼

 

낙방은 확실하군

 

다시 전화할래 만회해야지

 

개 땜에 망친 거야

 

딴 여자 골라봐

 

싫어, 그 여잔 뭔가 특별해

 

'숨이 멎을 것 같다'

 

내 느낌이 그랬어 잘해볼 거야

 

그 여자가 널 만나주겠냐?

 

넌 못됐어 아주 못됐어

 

- 준
- 준

 

- 안녕, 준
- 준

 

아빠들이 다 남겠대요

 

- 왜들 그러죠?
- 글쎄?

 

할로윈 때마다 그러네

 

어쨌든 아빠들의 참여는 좋은 거죠?

 

그래

 

이따 집에 와

 

비디오 빌려둘게 에릭과 셋이 보자

 

재밌겠지만 안돼

 

우리 기념일야 둘이 보낼래

 

축하해

 

7년 전 오늘 만났지

 

누나와 소개팅하러 온 에릭을...

 

늦었죠?

 

오스틴이 운전했어요

 

우리 식구 땜에 난처했죠?

 

아뇨, 전혀... 당신 걱정들 많이 하나 봐요

 

네

 

전처도 대가족이었죠

 

이젠 다 날 미워해요

 

- 주스 드려요?
- 네, 한잔만...

 

- 멋진 선생님을 위해!
- 멋진 아빨 위해!

 

예쁘고 멋진 선생님을 위해!

 

치명적 매력을 지닌 멋진 아빨 위해!

 

건배

 

우린 서로 끌리고 있어요

 

- 안돼요, 그래서는...
- 왜죠?

 

당신은 학부모고

 

여긴 완구창고예요

 

- 밖에서 만날래요?
- 난 밖에선 더 소심해요

 

교사와 학부모도 사귈 수 있어요

 

- 법에 안 걸려요
- 새러

 

비상용 바지 있죠? 비상사태예요

 

비상용 바지! 가자

 

난 론이요

 

40대 몸짱이죠 키 175cm

 

체중은 굶으면 75kg...

 

농담이요 만나면 맘에 들 거요

 

새러, 레니예요

 

그날 정말 즐거웠는데...

 

다시 걸게요

 

제이크 앤더슨예요 공원에서 만난 바보

 

실은 그 바보짓, 다 테스트였소

 

당신, 합격이에요

 

그러니 다시 만나요

 

한번 더 기회를 줘요

 

어색함 깨려고

 

유머도 준비했는데 다 까먹었어요

 

- 그 옷 때문에...
- 언니 땜에 샀어요

 

좋은 언니네

 

여기 멋지네요

 

- 음식 맛있어요?
- 별루요

 

분위기는 좋죠

 

식당 주인과 친해요 저 분들...

 

- 손 흔드네
- 같이 추쟤요

 

난 민속춤 안 추기로

 

예전에 결심했소

 

이따 인사나 하죠... 안녕하세요

 

- 반가워요
- 안녕하세요

 

괜찮죠?

 

- 파시지언 씨요
- 안녕하세요

 

- 반가워요
- 저두요

 

'저런 옷 좀 입어봐

 

'당신은 저런 미남이 아니잖우

 

나중에 한잔해요

 

좋죠

 

- 말 통해요?
- 약간

 

뭐라고 했어요?

 

"유스 호스텔이 어디죠?"

 

맨날 그 말만 해요

 

직업이 뭐예요?

 

이러니 남자가 없지

 

배 만들어요

 

목재로 된 수제품 조정 보트

 

- 경주용...
- 정말요?

 

네

 

- 팔려요?
- 아뇨

 

다들 최신식 보트만 좋아해요

 

첨단 소재에 요동이 없는...

 

그게 배예요?

 

- 생각들 바뀌겠죠
- 난 기대마요, 욕조에서도

 

멀미해요

 

이런 대화 생략합시다

 

형식적 대화 생략하자구요

 

'형제가 몇이죠?' '취미는 뭐죠?'

 

그런 거 말이에요

 

처음 만난 사람들끼린

 

솔직해질 수 있잖아요

 

밑질 거 없으니까...

 

5년, 10년 흐른 뒤

 

'실은 나 이런 사람이야'

 

이러긴 힘든 법이죠

 

언제 또 우리가 이렇게 터놓고

 

말할 수 있겠소? 나 부담스럽죠?

 

네, 약간요

 

하지만 당신은

 

매력 있고 재밌고 에너지가 넘쳐요

 

부담스럽기도 하지만...

 

내 얘기 좀 할게요

 

네

 

난 사랑했던 아내에게

 

상처받고 이혼 당했어요

 

그 덕에 성숙해졌죠

 

마음의 폭이 넓어졌달까?

 

고통을 겪는다는 게

 

나쁜 것만은 아녜요 깨달음도 주죠

 

요즘 난 그걸 느끼고 있어요

 

당신은요, 왜 혼자죠?

 

괜찮아요, 말해봐요

 

밑져야 본전이잖아요

 

식사 끝나고 작별하면 그만인데...

 

좋아요

 

그의 사랑이 식었어요

 

내가 뭘 잘못했는지 모르겠지만

 

식었어요

 

이런 말, 처음 하네요

 

터놓고 말하니 좋죠?

 

이제 슬슬 서로를 알아갑시다

 

제이크요

 

- 콘돔!
- 안 사놨소?

 

- 왜 사놔요?
- 이럴 때를 위해!

 

이럴 일이 없었어요

 

- 안 가져왔어요?
- 징크스 땜에...

 

무슨 유치원이요? 일반?

 

- 몬테소리?
- 짬뽕예요, 저깄다!

 

옥스 약국

 

93번가로 가요 좌회전!

 

- 하이웨이 타지
- 좌회전!

 

- 더 빨리 못 가요?
- 더 달리면 뒤집혀요

 

운전해요!

 

큰 건 5, 6번 칠해요

 

1인용 보트는 다르죠

 

슈퍼 저깄다, 빙고!

 

떨어졌대요

 

- 어떻게 떨어져요?
- 몰라요

 

내 생각인데

 

전 시민이 동시에

 

섹스를 하나 봐요 우리만 빼고...

 

더 찾아봅시다

 

왜요?

 

필이... 사라졌어요

 

알았소

 

- 난...
- 아뇨, 괜찮아요

 

그냥 밤새

 

얼굴만 본다 해도 좋아요

 

남자랑 자본 지 오래 돼서...

 

- 필이 꺼졌다?
- 네

 

필이 꽂혔었다는 게 중요하죠

 

그것도 첫 만남에...

 

- 두번째예요
- 두번째... 어쨌든!

 

- 즐거웠소
- 나두요

 

그럼...

 

잘 자요

 

- 데려다 줘야죠
- 참! 여기 안 살죠?

 

왔니?

 

나야! 냉장고에 고기 채워놨어

 

답신 온 모든 남자

 

먹일 만큼...

 

여긴 제이크 여긴 캐롤 언니

 

- 안녕
- 제이크도 답신 줬어

 

제 고기도 있죠?

 

고맙습니다

 

내가 초친 것 같네

 

어차피 그냥 갈 작정이었어

 

왜? 무지 귀엽던데...

 

몰라, 즐거웠는데... 터놓고 대화했고...

 

터놓고? 그런데 보내?

 

내용은 잘 이해 안되더라

 

대화한 게 중요하지

 

많이 버벅대든?

 

감상적이고 무지 솔직해

 

대화가 통하는 남자

 

- 완전히 환상이다!
- 난 좀 부담돼

 

진도를 너무 앞서가는 것 같애

 

무슨 얘길 했는데? 말해봐

 

하나도 빼지 말고...

 

식사하며 많이 친해졌지

 

그 뒤엔 진도를 나가야 될 듯 해서

 

키스를 했지 사춘기 때처럼...

 

헌데 콘돔이 없었어 그건 둘 다

 

마음의 준비가 안됐단 뜻이야

 

진도 나가긴 틀렸군

 

- 얘들, 행복해 뵌다
- 콘돔이 있잖아

 

마크랑 난 대용품 쓴 적 있어

 

- 말하지마
- 비닐 랩!

 

고마워 평생 상상하게 해줘서...

 

그것도 나름대로 자극적이야

 

앞으로 랩은 다 썼군

 

- 피임은 돼?
- 그날 매브를

 

가졌잖니

 

난 일회용 아닌 사랑을 원해

 

아침에 함께 눈뜰 사람...

 

휴일엔 느긋이 아침 먹고

 

종일 함께 지낼 사람...

 

모두의 희망이지

 

정말 멋지네 맘에 들어요 진짜 수제품이요?

 

내 손으로 깎았죠

 

그냥 보트가 아닙니다

 

타임머신이죠

 

맘에 들어요, 사겠소

 

조정 선수셨나요?

 

경주할 거 아니오 잘라줄 수 있죠?

 

- 네?
- 길이로 반 잘라서

 

벽에 걸려구요

 

벽에 거신다구요?

 

홈시어터 실에 걸고 싶소

 

'이케아' 판매점에서 카누 사세요

 

그렇겐 못 팝니다

 

- 농담이죠?
- 그럼 좋게요?

 

물에 띄우는 보트예요

 

그런 용도로는 절대 안 팝니다

 

맘 변하면 팔아요

 

해가 서쪽에서 뜨면 변하겠죠

 

감사합니다

 

- 별종이군
- 내게

 

- 신세졌었어
- 그래서?

 

안 팔아도 된다구 그럼...

 

한대도 못 판 거지?

 

넌 너무 걱정이 많아

 

기분 좋네? 데이트 좋았냐?

 

네가 그녀를 봤어야 해

 

수줍고 연약하고 자의식 강하고...

 

자신이 얼마나 예쁜 줄 몰라 멋진 여자야!

 

잠시 서로 전기도 통했어

 

완전한 교감을 느꼈지

 

난 멍청했지만 그녀는 멋졌어

 

그래서 같이 잘 거야, 말 거야?

 

내 소중한 경험을

 

그렇게 뭉개야겠냐?

 

이게 부동산 거래야?

 

- 거래라면?
- 당장 계약하지

 

아빠 인기 좋네

 

그럼, 항상 좋지

 

우리 엄마감은 없어

 

- 세번짼 이름 뭐지?
- 아마 말린일걸?

 

린다는 아닐 거고...

 

- 도로시야
- 복잡하다

 

새러

 

아일린 고모!

 

- 좋아 뵈세요
- 고맙다

 

너도 좋아 뵈네 생각보단...

 

우린 처음부터 케빈을 안 좋아했어

 

- 위로가 되네요
- 데이트 좀 하렴

 

세월 금방 가 좋은 사람 소개시켜 줄게

 

케이시 도노반! 똑똑하고 핸섬해

 

- 고모
- 왜?

 

걘 내 사촌예요

 

3대가 다 모였구나

 

내 아들 빌 주니어

 

오늘 견진 성사 받는 손자 라이언

 

그리고 늙은 나, 빌

 

이 기쁜 날 시 한편

 

안 읊을 수 없지

 

누구 시일까?

 

- '테니슨'
- '브라우닝'

 

- '예이츠'
- '동전 한푼'

 

'윌리엄 버틀러 예이츠'!

 

아빤 내가 알아

 

한때 어린 걸 한탄했던 나

 

어느덧 어른이 되었네

 

나, 동전을 던져 사랑을 점쳐보네

 

젊은이여, 어서 가서 미인을 차지하게나

 

아, 동전 한닢에 점쳐보는 내 운명

 

그녀 머리칼에 포로가 된 나...

 

사랑은 잔인하여라

 

그 누구도 모른다네

 

삶이 무엇을 감추고 있는지

 

밤하늘의 달과 별이 사라진 뒤에도

 

사랑의 상념은 떠나질 않네

 

아, 동전 한닢에 점쳐보는 내 운명

 

그대여 사랑하길 주저마오

 

- 반가워요, 고모
- 나두!

 

- 마더 테레사!
- 그만해! 마이클

 

놔둬, 괜찮아

 

- 괜찮대
- 뭐가 괜찮아?

 

말은 저래도 개를 좋아해 나도 좋아하고...

 

- 안녕
- 새러

 

난 일이 좀 생겼어

 

돌리 좀 바래다주렴

 

- 알았어요
- 안 가도 돼요

 

너무 귀여워, 둘 다...

 

아버지, 선수시지?

 

전 아버지 여자 문제에...

 

괜찮아, 다 알아 여잔 직감이 있지

 

전 둔했어요

 

- 영계한테 뺏겼어?
- 네

 

다들 영계만 밝혀

 

그게 유행인가 봐요

 

80세엔 60세 찾고 60세엔 40세 찾지

 

또, 그게 통해

 

여자가 많으니까...

 

남잔 도둑이야

 

- 그럼 뒤통수 맞았네?
- 네, 전 결혼생활에

 

별 불만 없었어요

 

나도 세번 다 그랬어

 

지금 온 거다!

 

와서 이것 좀 봐

 

인터넷은 환상과 고독을 채워줘

 

벗고 뱅킹도 할 수 있고...

 

광고 카피로 딱이네요

 

샌디에고의 제레미야

 

날 16세로 알아 61세인데...

 

- 차마 말 못하겠어
- 자상하셔라

 

늘 내게 뭘 상담해 어른스럽다며...

 

커플 맺었어

 

- 이런 거 해?
- '천생연분 닷컴'

 

- 한 사이트만 해?
- 네

 

그럼 확률이 낮지

 

프로필도 여러 가지야

 

여기서는...

 

'오페라와 앤틱가구 시를 좋아한다'

 

또 여기선...

 

'스카이다이빙과 로데오를 즐긴다'

 

사실이 아니잖아요

 

광고잖아 자동차 광고도

 

연비 뻥친다구

 

이래야 남잘 만나지

 

전 그런 방법은 싫어요

 

나처럼 늙어서 폐차 직전 되면

 

포장이 필요해 컴퓨터는 24시간

 

날 위해 일해주지 기특한 펜티엄 두뇌!

 

전 남편 얘기해봐

 

케빈은 소방관이에요

 

귀여워요, 엄청요

 

소방관, 섹시하지

 

오빠 친구였는데 사랑에 빠졌죠

 

내 남편 둘도 오빠 친구였어

 

둘 다 망나니였지 울 오빠처럼...

 

처음엔 다 순조로웠어요

 

맞벌이로 집 사고 애 가질 차롄데...

 

그인 망설였죠

 

내 나이, 자꾸 들어 36세 됐을 때

 

그인 아이 대신 베로니카를 택했죠

 

15살 연하의 걔랑

 

두달 전 결혼했어요

 

걔가 임신했단 말도 했나요?

 

물어와!

 

안녕

 

- 밖에도 나오시네?
- 동생 개 봐주는 중예요

 

부부가 상담소에 갔어요

 

개 좋아해요?

 

내 몸엔 개의 피가 흘러요 공 물어올까요?

 

- 맘에 드는 강아지
- 오스틴

 

- 찾았어요!
- 그래?

 

- 강아지 사주신대요
- 좋겠네!

 

잘됐다!

 

- 어서 가요!
- 금방 따라갈게

 

- 정서에 좋겠죠?
- 물론이죠

 

아직 어리지만

 

- 상관없죠?
- 그럼요, 네

 

- 친구도 되고...
- 그럼요

 

야채도 대신 먹어주고...

 

애가 유치원에서 잘 지내 다행예요

 

당신을 만난 게 우리에겐

 

행운이죠

 

바로 이 강아지예요! 아빠랑 뽀뽀하고 싶대요

 

집이 비좁겠네요

 

- 여보세요?
- 처음과 끝만 빼고

 

중간엔 늘 즐거웠소

 

- 지루하진 않았죠?
- 내 말이!

 

어때요? 한번 만날까요?

 

다시 만나고 싶어요? 왜요?

 

당신은 내겐 새로운 세계요

 

날 자극한다구

 

밤하늘에 나타난 새로운 혜성처럼!

 

적어놓고 읽어요?

 

이건 즉흥이요

 

읽을 때도 있지만...

 

누가 왔나 봐요

 

- 돌리, 웬일예요?
- 나 좀 도와줘

 

새러, 무슨 일이에요?

 

다시 걸어요 바빠요

 

샌디에고의 제레미가 찾아왔어

 

- 그게 뭐 어때요?
- 일단 넌 17세고, 돌리는...

 

- 41세야
- 카메론 디아즈도

 

연하 사귀어요

 

백살은 됐는데...

 

그건 심하다 내 또래밖에 안돼

 

평생 헤매야 만날 짝을

 

난 15세에 찾은 거예요

 

15세? 17세라며?

 

- 날 속이면 안되지
- 죄송해요

 

나이 밝히면 애 취급 할까봐...

 

난 널 존중해

 

넌 멋진 애야 친구로 지내자

 

그냥 친구로만... 알았지?

 

- 좋아요
- 한 가지만 더...

 

나, 41세 아냐

 

43세야

 

가서 숙제 해

 

쉰살 넘었다고 하면 졸도했을걸?

 

- 잘 자
- 잘 자요

 

- 고마워, 새러
- 뭘요

 

새러

 

근처에 왔다 들렀어요

 

그래요?

 

새러가 왔어요?

 

- 새러!
- 준?

 

- 여긴 웬일로?
- 다 모였으니

 

학부모회의 하죠

 

집에 가서 쉴래요 영원히 잠들래요

 

새러 친구가 이 옆에 살아

 

멋지다! 재밌는 우연이네!

 

안 들어올래요?

 

와인 땄는데...

 

고맙지만 초치기 싫어요

 

- 웬일이야?
- 제니퍼에게

 

- 둘 다 쫓겨났어
- 마이크

 

불쌍해서 어쩌니?

 

- 곧 풀리겠지
- 명절 시즌엔

 

다들 곤두서죠

 

이 사람, 맘에 들어

 

- 멋져!
- 기다리는 동안

 

대화 좀 나눴죠

 

- 괜찮아요?
- 네

 

가자, 테레사

 

- 나 온 거, 괜찮죠?
- 네, 그럼요

 

되레 반가워요

 

전화로 한참 대화중인데

 

웬 여자가 갑자기 끊길래

 

다시 걸었더니 안 받잖아요

 

- 걱정됐군요
- 별일 없죠?

 

네

 

아빠 친구가 난처한 일 당해서

 

도와주러 갔다가 차 한잔 마시고

 

오는 길에 드라이브 좀 했어요

 

혼자서요

 

혼자서...

 

이번 주말에

 

보트 타러 안 갈래요?

 

- 그건 곤란해요
- 뭐가?

 

보트라면...

 

물에 뜨잖아요

 

안 뜨면 배가 아닌 절구통이죠

 

맞아요, 물에 떠요

 

- 난, 노 못 저어요
- 가르쳐 줄게요

 

- 기꺼이...
- 좋아요, 어떻게요?

 

쉽진 않겠죠

 

- 시작해 볼까요?
- 좋아요

 

노 저을 땐 긴장을 풀어야 돼요

 

리듬과, 타이밍, 균형이 중요하죠

 

리듬과 균형...

 

- 어딜 만져요?
- 아, 네

 

- 리듬과 타이밍...
- 균형과 리듬...

 

- 어렵지 않죠?
- 재밌네요

 

머리카락 치워봐요 노 젓는데 방해돼

 

아프겠네!

 

- 마이클
- 괜찮아?

 

하던 거 계속해요 난 갈 거니까...

 

조심해

 

- 어딜 가려고?
- 제니퍼가

 

화 풀었어 개만 두고 오래

 

너도 자고 가 운전 못해

 

데려다 줄게요 괜찮지?

 

노젓기 레슨 마저 끝내야죠

 

물론이죠 꼼짝 말고 있어요

 

15초 안에 올게요 길 막히면 20초!

 

필 간직해요 어디 살아?

 

제이크가 오면 눈치껏 자리 피해

 

밥! 바비, 아니 밥

 

- 이걸 두고 갔소
- 고마워요

 

미안해요 아까 당황했죠?

 

아뇨, 익숙해요

 

준과 아무 일 없었소

 

앨 봐줘서 식사 대접하려고...

 

어쨌든 고마워요

 

- 왔군요
- 뻗어서

 

주소를 통 기억 못해요

 

- 321... 어디야
- 이 말만 해요

 

- 난 밥이요
- 미안해요, 정신이 없어서...

 

- 제이크 앤더슨
- 안녕하세요

 

- 내 동생 마이클
- 미안, 자요...

 

반갑습니다

 

이 분은 원생 아빠 밥 코너 씨

 

잠깐 둘이... 뭐하고 있었죠?

 

뭘 놓고 가서 돌려주러 왔어요

 

가볼게요

 

내일 통화해요

 

- 반가웠소
- 나두요

 

나도 갈게요 어디다 눕힐까요?

 

- 여기다 눕혀도 되겠네
- 안 그래도 되는데...

 

자, 조심해

 

이제 전...

 

- 가볼게요
- 가지마요, 앉아요!

 

아녜요, 가봐야죠

 

제이크, 내 말을 좀...

 

- 됐어요
- 제발!

 

우린 이제

 

겨우 서너번 만났소 미안해 마요

 

설명할게요

 

상처 안 주려고 거짓말 한 거라고?

 

물 공포증을 이겨야

 

구조견이 될 수 있죠 첫 입수견 매스는

 

헬기의 소음과 진동에 익숙합니다

 

경험이 많으니까요

 

문제는 초보견이죠

 

넌 할 수 있어

 

못 뛰고 망설이네요

 

난 퇴근할게

 

- 모자 벗어
- 됐어, 휴일에 계획 있어?

 

친척들 다 모여 자긴?

 

- 에릭 부모님 만나
- 자주도 오시네

 

- 울고 싶으면 전화해
- 1번에 등록해놨어

 

내게 화 안 났죠?

 

그럼! 왜 화를 내?

 

그런 사이인 줄 몰랐어요

 

아무 사이 아냐

 

나도 아무 사이 아녜요

 

그를 좋아하신대도 이해해요

 

오버하지마

 

난 진짜 아니니까 걱정하지 말아요

 

추수감사절 너무 좋아 내가 요리 안 해도 되고...

 

조심해요

 

이 푸짐한 칠면조를 공략하기 전에

 

손님들을 소개하지

 

말린 스위프트 도로시 머피

 

돌리 맥캔

 

'헬로, 돌리'

 

세 여자를 다 불렀군

 

정력이 쎄신가봐

 

가문의 자랑이죠

 

기발한 추수감사절이군

 

- 나도 부모님 모셔올걸
- 내년에 모셔와

 

민망하지 않을까?

 

난 해마다 모셔와

 

- 여기 식사 맛있어
- 내가 새러 직업 말했냐?

 

꼬맹이들 가르쳐

 

- 너, 애들 좋아해?
- 그럼

 

아이도, 멋진 집도 갖고 싶지

 

나도 그 여자와 그렇게

 

살고팠어

 

'개 공원녀', 그만 잊어야 돼

 

- 알아
- 잊어

 

그래야지

 

넌 물 먹은 거야 여잔 다

 

이기적이고 교활해

 

아가씨 빼고...

 

만약 케이시가 싫으면...

 

만약이라뇨? 걘 제 사촌예요

 

- 론 데트머?
- 검안사야

 

한번 전화해줘

 

이거 몇 개로 보이니?

 

희소식 있어요 내 동료 두명이

 

얼마 전 이혼했어요

 

- 난 복도 많아
- 리치부터

 

먼저 만나봐요

 

- 리치부터?
- 그 사람, 괜찮아요

 

조심해 청소도 경쟁이 치열해

 

경쟁할 가치는 있지 바람끼는 있지만...

 

솔직히 나도 즐겨

 

못 믿겠어요

 

아빠의 상처를 아니까 무조건 관대해져

 

식탁이 더 안 큰 게 고마울 뿐야

 

안녕

 

겁나네 왜 또 눈을 치켜 떠?

 

저 분들 이름은 다 외워요?

 

생일은 관두고라도...

 

- CD에 저장해두고...
- 알고 싶지 않아요

 

돌리에게 상처주지 마요

 

아빨 정말 좋아해요

 

- 그거, 미안하군
- 미안?

 

남자들이 그런 걸 알아요?

 

아빤 재밌겠죠

 

다들 앞다퉈 살림해주니!

 

차 정비는 안 해준대요?

 

남자들이 예쁜 영계만 찾을 동안

 

지혜롭고 사랑스런 나이든 여자들은

 

집안에 홀로 처박혀

 

점점 뚱보가 돼가요

 

너 지금 누구 얘기 하니?

 

미안해요 나도 모르겠어요

 

미안할 건 없고...

 

돌리가 걱정돼요

 

나도 걱정돼

 

하지만 이해해다오

 

난 네 엄마뿐이야

 

아무도 그 자릴 대신 못해

 

세상 그 누구도...

 

그냥 시간 때우는 것

 

뿐이야

 

탭댄싱하는 기분이랄까?

 

스텝을 빨리 밟으면

 

슬픔도 잊혀지지

 

이해되니?

 

잠시만요!

 

뭘 드릴...

 

저번의 그 손님이군요

 

네, 마녀 같은

 

- '닭 가슴살 한쪽'
- 딴 부위도 좋아요

 

그냥 그렇다구요

 

닭 가슴살 줘요

 

살기 힘들죠? 털어놔봐요

 

바텐더 시늉 마요

 

인터넷 해봤소?

 

- 나도 집사람을 채팅으로...
- 닭고기 줘요, 당장!

 

애인찾기 닷컴

 

불륨 빵빵, 과속 조심

 

데이트구하기 닷컴

 

날 연주해줘요 첫 레슨 공짜!

 

사랑낚기 닷컴

 

환상의 이상형! 킹카 대기

 

뭐 어때?

 

프로필 올려주기
확인

 

이태리도 자주 가요 로마에선

 

단체 여행을 했어요 '로마 유적 기행'

 

- 가이드가 재밌었죠
- 알아요, 덩치 큰 뚱보죠?

 

스위스에선 눈보라를 만났죠

 

- 나도 죽을 뻔 했어요
- 알프스에서 1년 살았소

 

눈이 순식간에 머리까지 쌓이죠?

 

고모 농장에서 언 몸을 녹이곤 했죠

 

하이디처럼 치즈도 만들고...

 

자상한 아빠신가 봐요

 

다 그렇진 않아요 전 교사라 알죠

 

과찬의 말씀... 14살이지만

 

내겐 큰 힘이 돼요

 

- 전화해서 놀랬죠?
- 약간...

 

하지만 기뻐요

 

생각을 바꿨어요

 

쿨한 새러로 거듭나기로...

 

- 옛날 새러도 좋은데...
- 업그레이드 됐어요

 

- 잘 잤어요?
- 안녕

 

안녕

 

- 몇 시요?
- 9시 좀 넘었어요

 

이런!

 

가면서 먹읍시다 늦겠소

 

- 일요일예요
- 야구경기 있어요

 

- 그거 먹을 거요?
- 아뇨, 자요

 

고마워요

 

준하고 잤죠?

 

그게 문제가 돼요?

 

아무 일 없었댔잖아요

 

당신과의 기회를 놓치기 싫었소

 

어제 좋았잖아요

 

네

 

즐거웠소 전화할게요

 

- 내게 화났소?
- 당신에게? 아뇨

 

- 다행이군
- 멍청한 내게 화가 나요

 

당신이 천박하고

 

야비한 인간인 걸 알아봤어야 했는데!

 

애들 가르친다고 만만히 봤죠?

 

외로워서 쉽게 넘어올 걸 알고

 

자상한 아빠처럼 오버 연기하고

 

강아지 입양하고

 

안경 쓰고 교수 흉내내고!

 

이 안경도 가짜죠?

 

미안해요

 

당신 같은 남자 끔찍해, 증오해!

 

제법 어울리는데?

 

폐인 패션으론 담요가 딱이지

 

그런 인간에게 또 걸렸어

 

남편도 아닌데 같이 자고...

 

난 음탕해

 

네 사진, 포샵질 왕창 하자

 

난 사랑엔 정말 닭대가리야

 

웃지마, 웃을 일 아냐

 

웃지마

 

그 귀여운 남잔? '콘돔맨'

 

- 별명이 좀 심했다
- '콘돔맨'?

 

- 슈퍼맨 사촌 같네
- 그 남잔 안돼

 

날 미워해 그럴 수밖에...

 

내가 기회를 망쳤거든

 

드라마나 보자

 

맙소사

 

누드신 넣고 리메이크나 하지

 

기대하지마 요즘 사람들은 이런 사랑

 

이해 못해

 

- 답답해하지
- '지바고'나

 

'개 공원녀' 다 잊고

 

다른 여자 만나봐

 

스탠리한테 보트 팔까?

 

좋지, 자르면 어때?

 

- 전화해
- 진짜?

 

주말에 선착장으로 오라고 해 내가 몰고 갈게

 

여자도 소개시켜줘 쌩 날라리로...

 

연말까지 한명씩 매일 만나게...

 

- 그 동안 어디 있었어?
- 자길 기다렸지

 

자긴 너무 완벽해, 알지?

 

알지만 자주 말해줘

 

방가방가! 안녕

 

잠옷 너무 귀엽다

 

초저녁부터 입었네 앉아봐

 

에릭도...

 

우리 둘이 자길

 

위로해주러 왔어 옵션은 다양해

 

기대되네

 

첫째, 그로브 가의 80년대풍 클럽!

 

- 너무 게이 티 나
- 아니면

 

스승의 날 상품권으로

 

- 네일샵에 간다!
- 좋았어, 거기 갈까?

 

- 게이 티 안 날까?
- 그게 뭐?

 

얜 이래서 신선해

 

컬러는요?

 

나? 물론 백인이죠

 

매니큐어 색깔 말이에요

 

- 글쎄... 뭐로 할까요?
- 내 손톱 칠해요?

 

밝은 핑크요

 

밤이 외롭나 보죠?

 

나이는 먹고...

 

쟤 왜 저래?

 

난 왜 꼭 저런 애만 걸려?

 

그래도 솜씨는 좋잖아

 

맙소사

 

맙소사

 

금방 올게!

 

제이크!

 

- 제이크!
- 새러

 

- 안녕!
- 안녕!

 

이렇게 만나네요 생각 많이 했는데...

 

반가워요 그런데, 모습이...

 

생각 많이 했어요

 

손에 낀 거, 꼭 주방 장갑 같네요

 

미안해 오래 기다렸지?

 

안녕, 셰리예요

 

- 안녕
- 여긴 새러야

 

'닥터 지바고' 봤어요

 

- '닥터 지바고'!
- 제이크는 재밌대요

 

- 난 잠 오던데...
- 난 스무번쯤 봤어요

 

정말이요?

 

그 구린 영화를요?

 

주인공도 후졌더구만

 

- 다 공산주의자지?
- 응

 

결말을 바꾸고 싶었나 봐요

 

따뜻한 봄날 둘이 만나는 걸로...

 

못 바꿔요, 영화라...

 

- 소설도 있어
- 졸라 길겠네

 

그렇지

 

그럼 난...

 

고마워 깜빡 할 뻔 했네

 

갈게요, 왁스 지워야 돼요

 

정말 반가웠어요

 

- 나두요
- 나도 반가웠어요

 

열라!

 

네, 고마워요

 

안녕

 

- 오늘은 '라라'가 돼줄까?
- 가자

 

셰리, 난 가볼게

 

- 안 들어가?
- 피곤해

 

- 가서 쉴래
- '지바고' 놀이 안 해?

 

러시아 말로 '노'야

 

- 내가 실수라도...
- 아냐, 정말 피곤해

 

그래, 영화가 길더라

 

안녕

 

잘될 걸 기대했는데...

 

그를 부르자 그가 돌아선다

 

뜨거운 포옹, 불타는 밤!

 

영원한 해피엔딩!

 

딴 여자와 있었대두

 

전화해봐

 

아니, 지금 쫓아가서 품에 안겨

 

나도 그 수법 썼어

 

- 내가 뻑갔지
- 딴 여자랑 있었대두

 

제이크는 물 건너갔어

 

미련이 많잖아

 

안타깝고 속상하네

 

나도... 좋은 면을 생각해

 

- 자기 손톱, 멋져!
- 그래

 

죽인다, 어디 봐

 

- 고마워
- 너무 예쁘네

 

네가 좋아하는 대목이야

 

네가 좋아하는 모자 썼다

 

미안하지만 거긴 내 자리야

 

마더 테레사

 

나도 너 사랑해

 

맘에 드세요?

 

잘 빠졌군

 

밴쉬 만을 달리던

 

범선이 이랬을 거야

 

포르투갈 범선을 본떠 만든 건데

 

그 말씀이 맞겠네요

 

- 자네가 만들었나?
- 네

 

- 배 만드세요?
- 아니

 

배에 대해선 전혀 몰라

 

- 명품은 볼 줄 알지
- 감사합니다

 

팔 거예요, 둘로 잘라서

 

벽에 걸 사람에게...

 

도살되기 전에 한번 타려구요

 

왜 팔려는 건가?

 

사연이 길어요 사랑과 인생에 대한

 

믿음이 무참히 깨져버렸다고나 할까요?

 

- 여자 문제군
- 네

 

나도 여자 문제로 골 아파

 

그래도 역시 사랑은 해볼만 한 거야

 

그녀는 밤하늘에 나타난

 

혜성과도 같았어요

 

하지만 삶은 아픈 거죠

 

이제 보니 철학자군 그래 남잔 불쌍해

 

강력범죄에 희생될 확률도 크죠

 

- 반가웠네
- 저두요, 제이크예요

 

- 빌일세, 내게 딸이 있는데...
- 됐어요

 

아냐, 잊어버려

 

아빠가 웬일이세요?

 

아빠가 딸집에 오는 게 이상해?

 

언니가 전화했죠? 내가 폐인될까봐...

 

캐롤과 크리스틴을 거쳐

 

- 마이클이 전화했어
- 고모는 뭐래요?

 

네 사촌 케이시는 입양된 애래

 

만나볼래?

 

이젠 걔도 고마울 판이에요

 

찾게 될 거야

 

널 알아봐줄 남자를...

 

넌 특별한 애잖니 밤하늘의

 

- 혜성같이...
- 뭐라구요?

 

실은 나도 들은 말이야

 

아침에 만난 젊은이한테...

 

배를 만든다더라

 

안됐어, 사랑하는 여자와 잘 안되나 봐

 

상심이 커

 

- 제이크, 제이크!
- 안녕!

 

제이크 앤더슨 씨 혹시 계세요?

 

- 없어요, 난 어때요?
- 농담 말구요

 

- 어디 있죠?
- 닷컴의 그 분이죠?

 

당신 땜에 걔, 방황해요

 

배 만드는 일도

 

- 관두고...
- 그래서

 

이렇게 왔잖아요 어디 있죠?

 

- 말 못해요
- 어디 있어요?

 

말 못해요

 

선착장 옆 다리 알죠?

 

제이크?

 

제이크!

 

제이크!

 

- 배 좀 빌릴게요
- 다 나가고 없어요

 

낭만적이네요!

 

어서 타, 괜찮아!

 

내겐 중요한 일야 어서 타!

 

그가 내 짝이야

 

얘들아 가자

 

저어! 저어!

 

저어, 저어!

 

저어, 저어!

 

저어! 저어!

 

- 저어!
- 저어!

 

저깄다, 저기!

 

제이크, 제이크!

 

보트 세워!

 

됐어!

 

준비됐지? 간다!

 

제이크!

 

개도 가요!

 

제이크!

 

웬일이요?

 

자, 올라와요, 어서!

 

기운 내!

 

넌 할 수 있어

 

발 조심해

 

무진장 춥네 너무 추워

 

덮어요

 

고마워요

 

나한테 할 말 있소?

 

네

 

그냥 전화하지

 

그게 편하긴 했겠죠

 

무슨 일이에요?

 

빚진 게 있어서요 내 얘길 해달랬었죠?

 

난 겁났어요 솔직한 내 모습을

 

보여준다는 게...

 

또 상처받을까 봐요

 

하지만 당신이 그랬죠 사람은 상처를

 

받으면서 성숙해져 간다고...

 

이젠 그 말을 믿어요

 

당신과 다시 시작해볼

 

기회를 갖고 싶었어요

 

나갑니다

 

뭘 드릴...

 

염려마요, 알아요

 

입 꾹 다물고 닭 가슴살 한쪽...

 

오늘은 통으로 세마리 줘요

 

폭챱 6인분과 양고기도...

 

개 줄 뼈다귀 있어요?

 

있으면 좀 주세요 오늘은 뭐가 좋죠?

 

좋았어!

 

감사합니다

 

몇 명까지가 가족이지?

 

앉아

 

앉아!

 

첫 만남이요?

 

- 근사했죠, 당신이 말해
- 사연이

 

아주 로맨틱해요

 

- 당신이 말해
- 당신이 해

 

아냐, 아내가 말을 잘해요

 

잊어버렸지?

 

잊어버려? 우리 만남을?

 

잊어버렸어요

 

하지만 아낼 사랑해요

 

사랑한다구!

 

사랑엔 나이가 없죠

 

함께...

 

늙어갑시다 사랑은 이제부터요

 

- 예이츠?
- 아니

 

- 테니슨?
- 아니

 

- 브라우닝
- 맞아

 

당신은 내가 알아

 

남자에게 코 꿸 생각은 없었지만

 

이 보석 크기 좀 봐요!

 

나, 이제 문신도 새길 거예요

 

어디 새길 건지 물어보면 다쳐요!

 

뭐라고 새길 거냐면...

 

미세스 '케이시 도노반'

 

사랑을 얻으려면

 

코리아타운의 우리 식당에 오세요

 

나이가 적든, 많든

 

독신이든, 이혼했든...

 

'주소!

 

알았어

 

'빨리요

 

퍼스트 가 7100번지예요

 

수요일에 장모를 모셔오면

 

공짭니다

 

'울 엄만 왜 통 안 불러요?

 

- 개 공원!
- 개 공원!

 

- 거기 맞아
- 알아

 

전 쫄았었죠

 

그땐 맺어질 줄 전혀 몰랐어요

 

난 알았어요

 

- 거짓말
- 진짜야

 

- 내 이론으론
- 이론도 많아요

 

이건 진짜야 적어왔어

 

준비성도 좋아

 

사람은 어른이 되면

 

세상을 웬만큼 안다고 여기죠

 

인격도 완성되구요

 

하지만 새로운

 

누군가를 만나면

 

전엔 느껴보지 못한

 

혼란과 멀미를 느끼게 돼요

 

그런 과정 속에서 우린 진짜 성장하죠

 

진정한 짝을 만났을 때!

 

나도 그때 그랬어요

 

- 멀미했었어?
- 응, 사랑의 멀미

 

표현이 멋지네

 

이 영화에 출연한 동물들은

 

아무런 학대 행위도 받지 않았습니다

 

The best place to meet a guy is the supermarket.

 

You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married.

 

He's in the frozen-food section carrying a small basket, he's single.

 

I hang out by fruits and vegetables. Better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.

 

Probably the best place is Home Depot or any hardware store.

 

You just walk up to the cutest guy and say:

 

"Do you know where I can get nailed? I mean, nails?

 

Pardon me, I've been drinking all afternoon."

 

And that way he knows, one, that you're easy...

 

...and two, that you like to drink.

 

I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school where they teach English.

 

Because these girls would be from foreign lands...

 

...and maybe still a little disoriented from the journey...

 

...and I would look attractive because I speak English very goodly.

 

But in the end, it did not work out as I had hoped.

 

I mean, basically, I was told to take a hike in 14 languages.

 

Where do you meet people? I don't know, they're everywhere.

 

Why, is there a problem?

 

No. No way, I'm not going out with this guy.

 

Just call him. Say hello. He's in my book club.

 

- Why is there a woman here?
- It's his wife.

 

They're separated, but he didn't want to Photoshop her out...

 

...if you're not interested. They are in Hawaii.

 

It's the Four Seasons. This could be you in the photograph.

 

Aloha.

 

- Well, if you change your mind.
- I've got a picture too.

 

Is that why you're all here? The whole family?

 

- Everyone has a picture for me?
- This is an intervention, Sarah.

 

- He's great.
- A beautiful girl like you can't just give up.

 

There's life after divorce.

 

You were married to the same woman for 45 years, Dad.

 

- What do you know about divorce?
- Precious little, I admit.

 

The black specter of two lives torn asunder.

 

Not helping, Dad.

 

I wish your mother were here, God rest her soul.

 

- She'd know what to say.
- "Put on another pot of tea."

 

That's what she'd say. The Irish answer to all problems.

 

- Well, it worked most of the time.
- Who is this?

 

I have no idea, but if you're interested, I'll Google him.

 

Is this it for food in this house, like, eight crackers?

 

And what are these? Are these bananas?

 

- I think they were at one time.
- I'll take one.

 

- I guess I forgot to shop this month.
- What are you gonna do, sis?

 

- I mean, really, it's been eight months.
- Dad's giving-up idea sounds intriguing.

 

I could become the crazy aunt who moves in down in the basement.

 

Put a cot in for me, some herbal teas. I'd like to get a dog, if that's okay?

 

Marc, don't you have a friend for Sarah?

 

"A Friend for Sarah." I'm now an episode of Little House on the Prairie.

 

- Come on, you must know somebody.
- Not really.

 

But if you want to have an affair, I do know a couple of married guys.

 

- We'll let that be our fallback, okay?
- Okay.

 

- An affair, that's a terrific idea.
- My husband to the rescue.

 

Don't cover mine.

 

I think affairs should go on the other side.

 

Yeah.

 

Hey, Jake.

 

Hey, Charlie.

 

Divorce is final.

 

You're a free man.

 

I don't know if... is the appropriate sentiment. Four years...

 

- ...woman I loved, I got my ass kicked.
- High-five.

 

Not that kind of moment either.

 

- Down low?
- Just because I want this to stop.

 

You are officially the worst client I've ever had.

 

- Thank you.
- Let Lisa have everything.

 

Even the judge wanted you to keep those boxing gloves.

 

- She really liked you.
- I liked her too, as far as judges go.

 

No. I mean, really.

 

Wow, that's a good-looking cougar.

 

Excellent stuff. You think she'd like to buy a handmade, stainable teak boat?

 

Maybe if it came with private lessons.

 

Everybody wants all that Tupperware...

 

...those computer-designed, fiberglass-composite things.

 

I mean, don't even look like boats.

 

They look like boats when they whiz by your wooden guy.

 

That was one race, and I've made some adjustments, Charlie.

 

- Wood boats can win, trust me on that.
- They can't win.

 

That's why people don't want them.

 

They can't win, but they lose beautifully.

 

And the whole experience is just better. Look at this.

 

I'm making these boats the exact same way...

 

...the Spanish and the Portuguese made their ships of exploration.

 

There's a continuity at stake here, Charlie.

 

This is more than a boat.

 

- This is a time machine.
- If you paid this much attention to Lisa...

 

- ...you'd still be together.
- This is true.

 

But you know what? If I had to do it it all over again, I wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't. Lisa taught me about sadness...

 

...about human frailty...

 

...and how unbearably fleeting happiness can be.

 

- I'm gonna owe her for the rest of my life.
- Oh, you'll be paying. Monthly.

 

Hope you don't mind that I brought Mother Teresa.

 

Are you kidding? I love this girl. Mother Teresa, do you have a friend for me?

 

Hey, is everything all right at home?

 

Yeah, Jennifer just gets tired of all the family gatherings.

 

Too many old stories. It makes her feel left out.

 

Yeah. Kevin used to say that.

 

- I still say it.
- I say it too.

 

It seems hard now, Sarah, I know...

 

...but you get a chance to make a new life for yourself.

 

Thank you, but in the marketplace of available women...

 

Any guy would be lucky to get you. You're smart, you're funny...

 

...even pretty when you're not wallowing in self-pity.

 

Am I wallowing? Really?

 

You're not the wallower in the family. Carol is the wallower.

 

Me? I never wallow. I suffer in silence.

 

- No, that's Christine.
- Thank you, Michael.

 

No, no.

 

- Sylvia Plath.
- This is why people...

 

...don't have large families anymore.

 

- Bye. I love you.
- Bye.

 

- Bye, Bill.
- Love you, Carol.

 

- See you, Dad.
- Thank you, I think.

 

Bye, chris. Bye.

 

- See you later, Dad.
- Bye, Daddy.

 

Bye.

 

There's someone special waiting for you, Sarah.

 

I know it. Someone worthy.

 

Kevin was not, on his best day...

 

...good enough for you, sweetheart.

 

Now you tell me.

 

Why not?

 

You know I love you and I love Lisa, but I think you're both better off.

 

We sure weren't making each other happy there at the end.

 

Or the beginning.

 

Or the middle.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we all wanted to sleep with Lisa, but marriage...

 

- That's not right.
- I said that out loud, didn't I?

 

- You did.
- I better strike that from the record.

 

No, lawyers get to do that. I'm instructing you to disregard that.

 

I think women have the whole thing planned.

 

Really, the whole thing.

 

An epic narrative in their heads. You know my theory about this?

 

When you meet, they have the whole story written.

 

But you don't get to read it.

 

But if you go off script...

 

...right? They write you out of the story.

 

I got written out of Act 3.

 

Now you're in Act 4, where I get you banged every night of the week.

 

Charlie, I'm toast. I just got shredded. I am...

 

- It's time, healing time. I'm on the bench.
- Hey. Hey.

 

I'm out of the game. Bench me, bench me.

 

- Hey.
- Benched.

 

I'll be right with you.

 

- Hi. Can I help you?
- Single chicken breast, please.

 

For an extra 75 cents, you can get the whole fryer here.

 

Two breasts, two thighs and a wing.

 

Thank you. I don't know when I'd eat all that.

 

- It's just an extra 75 cents.
- It's not the 75 cents.

 

I hate to see food go bad.

 

We got a hundred recipes. You can cook them, freeze them and...

 

Look, listen to me, mister. I'm divorced, okay?

 

I eat alone, usually standing over the sink.

 

I don't want chicken hanging around, okay?

 

- Okay.
- Thank you.

 

Hey. There she is.

 

- Good morning. How are you?
- Good morning.

 

I called you last night to see if you were up for a movie...

 

- ...or bowling or group shampooing.
- I'm sorry. Eric's parents are in town.

 

Mr. And Mrs. Stalin. I'm under house arrest.

 

- Weren't they just here?
- Thank you.

 

I don't know why they can't stay at a hotel. Nothing I do makes them happy.

 

And they make Eric so nervous, he's like the Tin Man.

 

You have to hang in there, Leo. You and Eric are my model...

 

- ...for a successful relationship.
- I fear for you, child.

 

Anyone have anything exciting happen this weekend to share?

 

My Uncle Mike slept over.

 

Uncles and aunts are very important to us, aren't they?

 

He's not really my uncle, but my Mommy makes me call him that.

 

When he's there, I can't sleep with my Mommy because he's in her bed.

 

Anyone else have anything they'd like to share?

 

Yes, Austin.

 

My parents are trying it apart for a while.

 

- We have a theme, June.
- Yes, we do.

 

And Mom says my Dad is incorrigible. That means he likes other women.

 

Good.

 

One, two.

 

Let me try.

 

That's a hop.

 

One, two, that's a new step. Very good.

 

- Molly, you wanna try the sticks?
- Yeah, come on, Molly.

 

Very good. Keep it going like that.

 

- Watch.
- No, I'm doing it.

 

Austin!

 

Good Lord, it's a gusher.

 

Let me see your teeth.

 

- Hey, bubba.
- Look who's here.

 

Daddy!

 

- Are you all right?
- Yep, I'm fine.

 

He had a decent bloody nose for a while, but he's fine now.

 

- You didn't have to rush right over.
- A kid bleeds, I show up. It's house rules.

 

- You wanna get your stuff together now?
- Yeah.

 

- Then I need a minute alone with Ms. Nolan.
- Okay. Bye, Ms. Nolan.

 

Bye.

 

No. No. No.

 

So, Ms. Nolan...

 

- Sarah, please.
- And I'm Bob.

 

Actually, everybody calls me Bobby.

 

I've been trying to change it since third grade.

 

I'm a pushover for Bobbys...

 

...ever since my first boyfriend, Bobby Healy, just...

 

You know?

 

I forget, is it "always discuss your personal history with parents" or "never discuss"?

 

It's "always discuss." Besides, I find it comforting.

 

So has Austin told you anything about...?

 

- About you and...
- Yeah.

 

That you're taking a break from your marriage and you're incorrigible.

 

That phrasing came from his mother.

 

- I wouldn't have put it that way, but...
- I'm sorry.

 

If there's anything you think I need to know, tell me.

 

- I will.
- Sometimes with Austin, you can forget.

 

- Because he seems so mature.
- I know.

 

The other day he asked about my retirement plan.

 

Well, he cares about you, and he wants you to be financially secure.

 

You know Austin adores you. I can see why.

 

- Thank you, Bob.
- I might prefer Bobby after all.

 

I mean, I like the... I like the history.

 

Two guys alone in the afternoon watching Doctor Zhivago.

 

- There's something gravely wrong here.
- It's all there, man.

 

The yearning, the suffering, a woman you'll pursue...

 

...through blizzards, across continents.

 

A love so real, even after you're dead it still hurts.

 

- That's all I want.
- You need to get out.

 

- You do. You need to see real people.
- You wanna watch it again?

 

No. I want to go out. Come on, I previewed some Internet ads for us.

 

Internet ads? Come on, I want Zhivago's Internet ad:

 

"Tragic doctor/poet in desperate pain seeks...

 

...like-minded playmate for long snowshoe across Eurasia."

 

What do you bet he gets a hundred responses?

 

We'll start with bisexual Asian women who fly-fish.

 

- No Internet ads.
- This is for you. I hate to fly-fish.

 

- No, you don't.
- What about Sherry?

 

- I gave you her number. You never called.
- Sherry?

 

Sherry's 24. Her range of interest extends from kickboxing to Tae Bo.

 

She slept with half the guys in my office.

 

Then why do you want to set me up with her?

 

She slept with half the guys in my office.

 

She's in her early 20's. You know the epic narrative I talked about?

 

Hers would not only be secret, it would be incoherent.

 

I wouldn't get past the cover page.

 

I mean, I'm looking for something more than Sherry.

 

"Hopelessly romantic, young 50's widower...

 

...seeks lady friend who enjoys the slow bloom of affection.

 

Loves dogs, children and long, meandering bike rides.

 

I will be carrying a single yellow rose."

 

- I gotta meet this guy.
- Where are your boob shirts?

 

- My what?
- Your boob shirts.

 

- Don't worry, I brought some of mine.
- Oh, boob shirts.

 

- I can't wear that.
- Okay, I have some dating tips for you.

 

I got them from Sports Illustrated. Solid gold.

 

Yes, that's always been my bible for personal relationships.

 

At least listen to the tips.

 

- Your sister has gone to a lot of trouble.
- Okay.

 

"One, maintain eye contact.

 

But be sure it isn't too intense. You aren't a hawk eyeing its prey."

 

Good that you told me. I might have done my hawk thing.

 

"Two, men respond sexually when they think women are excited by them."

 

- Really?
- "The more you like what you see...

 

...the more your pupils will open wide to take it all in."

 

Open your pupils.

 

Oh, my God.

 

- I'm dating again. I can't do this!
- It's okay. Come on.

 

- No, you'll be fine, it's okay.
- It'll be fun.

 

What if he wants to have sex? What if I want to?

 

You don't understand. It's been a long time, Christine. I could freak out.

 

What if I can't control myself?

 

You're meeting for muffins in a public place. I think you'll be safe.

 

- Dad?
- Sarah.

 

My darling girl.

 

Darling, don't you put the sunshine to shame.

 

What are you doing here?

 

That's a fine how-do-you-do from one of my favorite daughters.

 

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm meeting a... why do you have a yellow...?

 

- Is that a rose?
- It is a rose, if the truth be told.

 

But by any other name...

 

- And it's for a lady friend, isn't it?
- That is, in fact, the very purpose.

 

- No!
- Now, Sarah, come on.

 

It is a natural course of this life that your Dad would have a lady friend by now.

 

I feel your mother whispering her approval to me every day.

 

And would this lady friend be someone who might enjoy...

 

...the slow bloom of affection, perhaps?

 

That would be grand, yes.

 

I'm your date, Dad.

 

I am. I answered my own father's personal ad.

 

Don't laugh. It's not funny!

 

It shows I brought you up to know the diamond from the riffraff.

 

A young 50, Dad? You're 71.

 

And when was the last time you rode a bike?

 

- Meandering or any other way?
- Well, think of it as poetry, darling.

 

As who I am in the bottom of my soul.

 

And, Sarah, my darling.

 

- What?
- I'm glad you've started dating again.

 

Dad, please. This is disturbing on so many levels.

 

- At least let me have the rose.
- I can't.

 

I'm seeing someone else at 4:00.

 

Hello. You've reached Sarah Nolan. Leave a message if you want to.

 

Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up.

 

Come on, Sarah, I already talked to Dad.

 

- Who else knows?
- No one.

 

Come on, Carol has to know.

 

Why does Carol have to know? Couldn't I once know something before she does?

 

She's there with you, isn't she?

 

- No.
- Hello, Carol.

 

Hi, Sarah. I was telling Chris it's a shame I didn't know about this before...

 

...because I could have called Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.

 

Oh, no.

 

This story is going to be immortalized into family history, isn't it?

 

Told and retold at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year.

 

Oh, not just Thanksgiving. I think it's a good Christmas story too.

 

- Bye, guys.
- Wait.

 

Tell the truth. On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate Dad as a date?

 

Hot, super hot?

 

Don't be mad at me for this, okay?

 

The last time you said that to me you stole my boyfriend. Danny Shea.

 

I did not steal Danny Shea.

 

- I haven't forgiven you, by the way.
- Stop. He was a terrible kisser.

 

- He kissed just fine with me.
- Okay. Here goes.

 

I went online, pretended I was you...

 

...and put your profile on PerfectMatch.com.

 

You're making this up.

 

You can't just sit back and passively answer...

 

...other people's ads anymore. We are on offense.

 

Well, forgive me if I'm a tad gun-shy after my last date with my father.

 

Come on, at least look at your profile.

 

That's my high school graduation picture.

 

That's all I had. That or your wedding photo.

 

"Voluptuous"? Carol!

 

Every woman listed claims to be at least voluptuous.

 

Some are "gorgeous inside and out," most are "sexually confident."

 

"Voluptuous, sensuous DwF seeks special man to share starlit nights.

 

- Must love dogs."
- I put that in for you.

 

And yet I'm still pissed.

 

I must have done something right. You have 18 responses.

 

You listened to them, didn't you?

 

I like three, 11 and 14. Christine likes two and eight.

 

Michael liked them all. But you decide for yourself.

 

What do you mean by voluptuous? Do you mean big breasts...

 

...or do you mean fat?

 

I love dogs too.

 

I have a great sense of humor, but you could probably already tell that.

 

Yo.

 

My name is Walter Taylor. I'm an attorney.

 

Don't hang up. I like opera. Don't delete me.

 

So anyway, I get all dressed up...

 

...and I walk down the stairs and I see...

 

...my father sitting there holding a single yellow rose.

 

And it dawns on me...

 

- Is something wrong?
- Well, no offense, it's just...

 

I thought you'd be younger, that's all.

 

Well, you said your age range was 25 to 45.

 

I guess I was hoping more for 25.

 

Twenty-three.

 

Eighteen. That's legal.

 

It's nice to be out.

 

I've been feeling kind of blue lately.

 

I know, you mentioned on the phone, Lennie, that you've... Kind of depressed.

 

- Did I cry?
- Well, a little bit.

 

I've been on 17 first dates this year.

 

No second dates.

 

One went...

 

...to check her coat and never came back.

 

One jumped out at the light when it changed.

 

Well, we're almost through the salad. That's a good sign.

 

No.

 

Lennie.

 

Please. Don't.

 

Please. Lennie. No.

 

If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands

 

come on! If you're happy

 

And you know it Clap your hands

 

Oh, God!

 

Come on, get up. Get her. Get her.

 

Damn.

 

Don't be upset. I come from a large family.

 

Lots of male cousins, brothers. Used to this sort of thing.

 

Three out of five.

 

- Oh, that's all right. Maybe later.
- Come on.

 

- Your table's almost ready.
- Good. We're working up an appetite.

 

Food here is fabulous. It's not cheap, though.

 

Well, I offered to pay my half.

 

And what did I tell you?

 

"Marshall's girls don't pay."

 

Beautiful.

 

You'd look really good in handcuffs.

 

Charlie, my boy, some nice-looking pieces here.

 

- Really? I didn't see anyone.
- I meant the artwork.

 

- Bet this cost a bundle.
- Hey, guys.

 

- Hi!
- Speaking of artwork.

 

- Hi, Sherry.
- Hi, Charlie. Hi, Jake.

 

How are you? Let's do two.

 

- That's how they do it in France.
- You having fun?

 

Well, I feel sorry for the artist at these things.

 

All this talent on display, and everybody here's just trying to get laid.

 

I know I am.

 

You never called me, mister. I waited and waited.

 

I know I am.

 

I'm sorry, Sherry, it's just that I'm not ready right now to be in a serious relationship.

 

And with somebody as wonderful and as beautiful as you...

 

...I just wouldn't expect anything less.

 

- Why can't you be sweet like that, huh?
- Sherry!

 

- Hey, guys.
- Short attention span.

 

You're a sick guy, you know that?

 

Just another in a long line of colossal mistakes.

 

I'm not answering an Internet ad.

 

Look at this. "Voluptuous and sensuous. Must love dogs." Wonderful.

 

Look at the picture.

 

Well, she is appealing.

 

She'll be good-looking when she grows up.

 

I'm surfing porn sites like always...

 

...I keep getting kicked over to PerfectMatch.com...

 

...which is not where I want to be...

 

...and this girl's profile keeps repeating, like a sign from heaven. And I thought of you.

 

Tell the prom queen thanks, but no. I'm still benched.

 

Too late. You're meeting her at 11. Bring a dog.

 

No, I'm not.

 

It's okay.

 

Stop that growling!

 

Use your words.

 

Stop, sit.

 

Stop, sit.

 

- Stop. Sit.
- I don't think he knows "stop" or "sit."

 

- What else have you got?
- Bruno, focus.

 

Roll over and play dead.

 

- Hey, look at that. Look at that.
- That's very impressive.

 

- You Sarah?
- Jake.

 

- Yeah, Hi.
- Yeah. Hi.

 

I didn't recognize you without the cap and gown.

 

Oh, yeah.

 

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

 

- This is really amazing.
- Yeah.

 

It is. When he plays dead, he really plays dead.

 

You don't know the half of it. He can stop his heart like a Sufi mystic.

 

- Does he sleep on a doggy bed of nails?
- As a matter of fact, he does.

 

He feels nothing. Or perhaps he feels too much.

 

- I think he wants his treat now.
- You think so?

 

While he's playing dead? It might ruin the effect.

 

- I don't know. He's your dog.
- He's not. He's my friend Charlie's.

 

- So you're here under false pretenses.
- No, not at all.

 

You said "must love dogs," not "must own dogs." I do love dogs.

 

In fact, I had one with my ex.

 

She was allergic, went into anaphylactic shock.

 

So we had to put her down. Dog.

 

Not the wife. I'm kidding about both.

 

This is a beautiful canine you have here.

 

- Hi.
- Yes, this is Mother Teresa.

 

Yeah, she plays with lepers?

 

Comforts the poor? Yeah. How long you had her?

 

Technically, she's not really mine. She's my brother's.

 

I'm shocked and saddened.

 

- False pretenses.
- Well, we are related. She's family.

 

And I do really love dogs, and my ex was allergic also.

 

Yes, he often had "anaphyphlectic" shock.

 

You're making that up.

 

- Yes, I am.
- Me too.

 

Tell me, I'm just curious about one thing.

 

Why did you write "voluptuous"?

 

- Oh, my...
- No! I did not mean to be rude at all.

 

It's just that voluptuous, that tends to go the other way...

 

...when someone uses that phrase.

 

Towards the full-figured end of the spectrum.

 

I didn't know there was a full-figured spectrum.

 

It's one of those words they use in personal ads...

 

...like "Rubenesque" or "weight proportionate to height."

 

Hey, it's your ad. You can say whatever you want, I'm...

 

Just for the record, girl says "athletic," she means "flat-chested." which you're not.

 

But... This isn't coming out right.

 

Look, you know, I'm sorry.

 

I'm... I'm a little nervous. I'm not used to meeting people this way.

 

Really? You seem very practiced and smooth.

 

- Your ad doesn't do you justice.
- Well, maybe you should rewrite my ad.

 

- Well, maybe I don't want to.
- And why not?

 

Because maybe I don't want anyone else to answer it.

 

Did you plan on saying that sometime today?

 

- No, I didn't. But it's good, isn't it?
- It is good.

 

- It's a good line.
- Maybe we should try this over again.

 

Hi, I'm Jake.

 

Sarah.

 

So why would you even write an ad? You don't seem that desperate.

 

Why would you answer one? Talk about desperate.

 

I'm not. I mean, I didn't. It was my friend's. He gave it to me.

 

- I didn't write it. My sister did.
- Your sister's ad.

 

Your brother's dog. Those your shoes?

 

Oh, my. Look at the time! Come on, honey.

 

What I'm trying to say is I'd like to get to know you.

 

I have to get this dog home, and you don't want to go over on your rental.

 

Maybe we could try this another time. You know, without the dogs.

 

You bet.

 

I'll call you.

 

Sarah, for the record...

 

...you are kind of voluptuous in a minimalist sort of way.

 

I'm not sure I'm up for this dinner at Dad's new girlfriend's house.

 

- He seems really excited about her.
- Where are Marc and Jason?

 

They took the kids to Magic Mountain.

 

The kids didn't even really want to go. The Dads whined.

 

Well, they're so spoiled, those Dads.

 

So how was your day today? At the dog park?

 

- How did you know about that?
- Who do you think you're dealing with?

 

- You're good. I have to give you that.
- So come on.

 

- Tell me.
- Okay.

 

We got off to kind of a rough start. But then it was okay, you know?

 

He was a little intense. He was nervous. He couldn't stop insulting me.

 

You know what this sounds like.

 

- No, it's not. Don't say it.
- But it is. It's a growth opportunity.

 

I'm not over my last growth opportunity when you stole Danny Shea.

 

Will you forget Danny Shea? He's probably a convicted felon...

 

...by now, divorced.

 

- Maybe you should call him.
- Carol.

 

What about that guy you met at preschool? You maimed his kid?

 

- Bob connor.
- Yeah. Mr. Incorrigible.

 

I told you, I can't. He's the father of one of my students.

 

Yes, honey, but he's not your father. That's a big step forward for you.

 

- Bill.
- Dolly.

 

Hey!

 

- What a lovely home you have, Dolly.
- Thank you.

 

When my third husband died, I decided to give up the big house.

 

Third out of how many?

 

And these potholders?

 

Where did you manage to find them?

 

Why, everything in this house is handmade by Dolly.

 

Oh, yes. She's very creative.

 

Our mother used to sew all our clothes when we were younger.

 

- Sarah.
- Well, she did.

 

Your father told me all about your mother, honey.

 

She must have been a very special lady.

 

- She was.
- And you must miss her very much.

 

- I do.
- And you see me...

 

...as something of an interloper, I suppose.

 

Do you want me to lie down for this?

 

We're at interloping? When did that happen?

 

It's Dad's life. I don't meddle.

 

Carol, you meddle in my life all the time.

 

Well, technically that's not true, because you don't have a life.

 

I happen to have a very full life.

 

Did you even check all of your messages?

 

I thought a few were very promising.

 

- Like who?
- Like the engineer from oxnard.

 

- With the sexual dysfunction.
- In what way would he be promising?

 

You could cure him. The whole nurse-patient thing.

 

- You've got it all worked out.
- It was brave of him to be so forthcoming.

 

- Why don't you call him, then.
- Why don't you.

 

- Call! I'll give you his number.
- Maybe I will.

 

- Go for it.
- Okay.

 

Hey there. Ms. Nolan.

 

What are you doing yelling in whispering Breeze Park?

 

Look who it is.

 

- What a surprise.
- Oh, hi, Ms. Nolan. How are you?

 

- Hi, sweetie.
- Who's that?

 

- Oh, this is my sister Carol.
- Nice to meet you.

 

This is Austin, my student, and his Dad, Mr. Connor. Bob.

 

Actually, I go by Bobby now.

 

Right. You live here?

 

Yeah, they cater to the recently separated and divorced.

 

But I'm the youngest guy here by 40 years, so it's good for my morale.

 

- My wife and I are gonna try it apart.
- I know.

 

Will you just look at her, son?

 

Is my little girl lovely or is my little girl lovely?

 

Oh, Dad, don't worry about embarrassing me.

 

Stop it, Bill. She is cute as a button, though.

 

So, what is it you do, Bobby? Sarah never tells us about her beaus.

 

I'm finishing my Ph. D. in American history.

 

- A biography of Robert E. Lee.
- I always felt sorry for Lee.

 

Forced to fight against his old friends and West Point classmates.

 

Could only dress in gray. Sad.

 

She's funny too. A complete package, you know.

 

When I need extra money, I work construction.

 

Well, it sounds very manly. Do you wear a hardhat?

 

Sarah was the one who always had the boys knocking at the door.

 

- Oh, Dad.
- She had eyes only for that singer.

 

What was his name? Thin fellow.

 

- Looked like a girl.
- Mick Jagger.

 

No, no. Sarah was saving herself for David Cassidy.

 

Like you weren't.

 

- Carol wasn't saving herself for anybody.
- What?

 

I remember now. It was David Cassidy of The Pheasant Family.

 

Bill. Bill, honey.

 

Partridge Family. You know, I saw him last year in Vegas.

 

He was good. Hadn't changed a bit. Same turtleneck.

 

Sarah had the whole Partridge act down.

 

She'd put on the little miniskirt, the go-go boots...

 

...and pretend she was Susan Dey.

 

- This is all a lie.
- Sing the theme song, Sarah.

 

- Don't make me kill you, Carol.
- You remember the intro.

 

- No.
- Come on.

 

Come on.

 

Oh, that was what he told you.

 

- It was a great night.
- Great night.

 

I forgot how much fun those humiliating family sing-alongs can be.

 

Can I say one thing about Mr. Incorrigible?

 

- Only if you sing it.
- He is hot. And he likes you.

 

I can't. It's just my luck. He's the father of one of my students.

 

He has a Ph.D. And a great ass. Let's not get dragged down by ethics.

 

Technically, he doesn't have his Ph.D. yet.

 

- But yes, the ass thing, I know.
- God, let's not even mention the eyes.

 

- The crinkly smile.
- No. That would be wrong.

 

- So can I ask you a question?
- No.

 

You never would have left Kevin. Would you?

 

If he hadn't left me? No, I don't think so.

 

But you weren't really happy.

 

Well, I figured that was the life I picked, so I had to make the most of it.

 

I'm not even sure I deserve a new life now.

 

Sometimes I think that was supposed to be my one chance and I blew it.

 

Where did we get these bad attitudes, you think?

 

- The nuns?
- Yeah, that works.

 

Let's blame the nuns. Can I say one more thing?

 

You love me. I know.

 

I do.

 

I mean, I was really bad. She did not see my A game.

 

Sounds like she didn't see your B or C game.

 

I'm gonna call her again. I want to ask her out. I need a mulligan.

 

Dog threw me. I mean, the sun was in my eyes.

 

Pick someone else, start over.

 

No, this girl, there's something special about this girl.

 

You know the expression "she took my breath away"?

 

I mean, she did. I actually gasped. I'm off the bench, man.

 

Think she'll see you again? I wouldn't.

 

You're not nice. Like, you're not a nice person.

 

- Hi, June.
- Hey, June.

 

- Hi, June.
- Hey, June.

 

Need more cupcakes. All the Dads are staying for the party.

 

- What's up with that?
- I have no idea.

 

Every Halloween it's the same thing.

 

But I guess it's great how involved they are in their kids' world. Isn't it?

 

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

 

Why don't you and Eric come over.

 

I'll rent a hopelessly romantic movie. We can all hold hands together and cry.

 

Sounds fun, but we can't.

 

It's our anniversary, and we always spend it just the two of us.

 

Sweet.

 

Seven years ago tonight, we met at my parents' house.

 

They were trying to fix Eric up with my sister.

 

Sorry we're late.

 

Austin drives so slow.

 

I hope my family wasn't embarrassing last night.

 

Oh, no. Not at all. They do seem a little bit involved in your life.

 

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

 

Austin's Mom's from a large family.

 

That's a lot of people that don't speak to me.

 

- Thimbleful of juice?
- Sure. But just one.

 

- To good teachers.
- To good Dads.

 

To good teachers who are also very beautiful.

 

To good Dads who are dangerously cute and charming.

 

There you go.

 

There's an attraction here, Sarah. You can't deny it.

 

- I'm not. I'm trying to ignore it.
- Why?

 

Well, for one, Austin is my student.

 

Two, we're in the puppet closet.

 

- Couldn't we go out in the real world?
- I'm not so good in the real world.

 

I was looking at the handbook, under "dating, parents and teachers."

 

- Nothing. There's nothing there.
- Sarah.

 

We need the emergency pants. It's an emergency.

 

Emergency pants. Come on, sweetie.

 

Hey, Babe, my name is Ron.

 

Mid-40's, handsome, totally toned, 5'7", 161 pounds...

 

...give or take a piece of pizza.

 

No, I'm not kidding. I'm totally toned. Call me, you won't be sorry.

 

Hi, Sarah, it's Lennie.

 

I had a wonderful time, and I'm...

 

I'll call back.

 

Hi, Sarah? It's Jake Anderson, the idiot from the dog park.

 

Actually, that was all a test to see how you respond...

 

...to crazy people, and you passed.

 

So maybe we could see each other again.

 

What do you say? You want to give me another chance?

 

I had a couple of icebreakers.

 

I even had a few stories for you, anecdotes, but I forgot them all.

 

- I think it might be that dress.
- My sister Carol made me buy it.

 

I love Carol.

 

- Well, this is a very charming place.
- Yeah.

 

- Good food?
- No, not particularly.

 

But I like the ambiance.

 

I come here because I know the owners, the Parseghians, that couple over there.

 

- See? They're waving.
- They want us to join them.

 

A few years ago, in a moment of blazing clarity...

 

...I forswore ethnic folk dancing, so...

 

They'll come over and say hello and maybe... How are you? Hi!

 

- How are you?
- Hello.

 

Nice, right?

 

- Sarah, Mr. And Mrs. Parseghian.
- Hello.

 

- Welcome, Sarah.
- Thank you.

 

See you later. We'll drink.

 

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

 

- You speak Armenian.
- A little bit.

 

Well, what did you say?

 

I asked him, "where is the youth hostel?" It's all I remember.

 

Kind of a joke we have.

 

What is it that you do, exactly?

 

God, no wonder I live alone.

 

I build boats.

 

You know, these handcrafted wooden sculls...

 

- ...rowing. The racing ones.
- Yeah. Really?

 

Yeah. Yep.

 

- Does anyone buy those?
- Nope. Not yet.

 

Everybody wants all these high-tech...

 

...fiberglass, you know, no turbulence.

 

Where's the fun in that ride? I don't know.

 

- But they'll come around.
- Don't count on me. I get seasick.

 

- In the bathtub.
- Really?

 

Yeah.

 

You know what? Can we just skip all the small talk?

 

- What?
- Can we skip the small talk? Just skip it?

 

You know, like, who are you? Who am I?

 

What are we doing here together?

 

I have this theory that when you first meet somebody...

 

...that's the time when you have to be totally honest...

 

...because you have nothing to lose.

 

5, 10 years down the road, gets a lot harder.

 

You can't say one day, "Happy anniversary, this is me."

 

It doesn't work that way. This is it.

 

We'll never see each other as clearly and as nakedly as we do in this moment.

 

Right now. This instant. I'm really scaring you right now, aren't I?

 

Just a little bit. Yeah.

 

But, you know, on the one hand...

 

...you're very charming and interesting and you have a lot of energy.

 

You know, on the other hand, a little bit scary.

 

Okay.

 

Here's my story. Here's what you need to know.

 

Okay.

 

I'm just divorced, and I had my heart broken badly...

 

...by a woman that I really loved.

 

You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger.

 

You know? Once you've got the shit beat out of you.

 

And the universe lets your heart expand that way.

 

I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that we all go through.

 

You gotta go through that to come out to a better place. And that's how I see it.

 

What about you? Why is a dazzling woman like you single?

 

You can do it. You can just tell the truth.

 

If you know the truth. What have we got to lose?

 

After the dinner we shake hands, "good night," never see each other again.

 

All right.

 

He stopped loving me.

 

I don't know what I did or what I didn't do.

 

He just stopped.

 

I don't think I've ever said that out loud before.

 

See, we just had an honest moment.

 

Now we can sit back and enjoy our food...

 

...and get to know each other. I'm Jake.

 

- Condom?
- You don't have one?

 

- Why would I have one?
- For occasions like this.

 

There haven't been any occasions like this.

 

- You didn't bring one?
- I didn't want to jinx it.

 

This preschool of yours, it's traditional? Developmental?

 

- Montessori?
- Yeah, yeah. All that. Drugstore!

 

There's a Rite Aid on 93rd. Hang a left.

 

- Should I take the freeway?
- Please turn left!

 

- Is this the fastest you can go?
- I could go faster, but we'd lift off.

 

- You drive.
- All right.

 

For big ones, you need five, six coats of varnish.

 

For the singles, it's a little bit different.

 

There's one right there. Jackpot!

 

They're out!

 

- How can they be out?
- I don't know.

 

But I have a theory.

 

Everybody in the whole city is having sex...

 

...at the exact same moment except us.

 

But we will press on.

 

What's wrong?

 

Well, the magic is gone a little.

 

Okay.

 

- I mean, I...
- No, no, I understand totally.

 

Look, you know. There's other things we can do.

 

I'd be happy just to stay with you and look at you all night.

 

Yeah, I haven't done this in a while. And...

 

- And now you don't want to.
- Yeah.

 

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

 

That's all right. If the magic's gone, that implies there was once magic.

 

Not bad for a first date.

 

- Second date.
- Second date. This is great.

 

- I had a great time.
- Me too.

 

So...

 

...good night.

 

- You still have to drive me home, though.
- Right. Because you don't live here.

 

Hello.

 

Don't worry, it's just me. I'm in the kitchen. Filled your freezer again.

 

There's now enough meat to feed every guy...

 

...who answered your ad and still...

 

- Jake Anderson, my sister Carol.
- Hi.

 

- Hi.
- Jake did, in fact, answer the ad.

 

Do I get my meat?

 

Thank you.

 

Sorry to scare him away.

 

It's okay. I think we both realized it wasn't going to happen tonight.

 

What's the matter? He's so cute.

 

I don't know. We had a great night. Laughing, really talking.

 

You had a guy talking and you let him escape?

 

I'm not sure I actually understood a lot of what he said.

 

Doesn't matter. He spoke.

 

And are we talking full sentences here or just grunting?

 

He's quite emotional. I know more about him than Kevin.

 

An emotional man who likes to talk.

 

- This is a mythical figure, Sarah.
- I don't think I'm ready for him.

 

He's looking for the whole dance and I'm just relearning the steps.

 

What happened exactly? Come on, tell me.

 

- Leave nothing out.
- Okay.

 

We really connected at the restaurant, like I said.

 

But then, where do you go from there? How much baba ganoush can you have?

 

Then we started making out, which was like being in 11th grade.

 

Then neither one of us had a condom, which I think reflects some ambivalence.

 

I'm just not cut out for this. Life in the fast lane.

 

Fast lane? You're not even on the on-ramp.

 

- But these people seem happy.
- Of course they do. They have a condom.

 

Marc and I couldn't find a condom once. Wanna know what we used?

 

- No.
- Saran wrap.

 

Thanks for that image which will stay in my brain for the rest of my life.

 

It was sexy in a Good Housekeeping kind of way.

 

I'll never be able to wrap leftovers again.

 

- Did it work?
- Maeve was born nine months...

 

...and one day later.

 

I don't wanna just do random dating, Carol. I wanna be in love.

 

I wanna wake up next to someone and see them smile.

 

Do the whole Sunday breakfast thing, go out and get the paper.

 

Stay in bed together all day.

 

Wouldn't we all?

 

Man, this is absolutely gorgeous. I love this. I can't believe you built it yourself.

 

Yeah, handcrafted. Hand-carved.

 

I hope you'll find that it's more than a boat.

 

It's a time machine.

 

- I love it. I want it. I'll take it.
- Great.

 

Did you race a lot in college?

 

I don't plan to race it. Could you cut it in half for me?

 

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, cut it in half lengthwise.

 

I think it would be easier to mount on the wall that way.

 

You want to mount the boat?

 

Yeah. I thought I'd put it in the den. It'd look great above my big screen.

 

You know, I think maybe you should go to IKEA and buy a canoe.

 

It's not for sale in that way.

 

- He's kidding, right?
- Wouldn't that be nice.

 

I've had this dream that it'll end up wet.

 

It's just not for sale in that way at this time. Ever, really.

 

Okay. Well, if you change your mind, I really do want it.

 

Yeah, if I change my personality, I'll let you know what I become.

 

- Okay.
- Thanks so much.

 

- Nice guy.
- Stanley owes me a big favor.

 

- It was a guaranteed sale.
- So what?

 

Right. You can afford to be picky. You sold...

 

...let's see, no boats. No boats at all.

 

You worry too much. You really do.

 

You're in a good mood. That must have been some date.

 

Charlie, you should have seen this girl.

 

She's shy, she's fragile, she's self-conscious.

 

She has no idea how beautiful she is. She's a mess. It's fantastic.

 

The evening didn't end up great, but there were moments in there...

 

...where we were completely and utterly ourselves.

 

I was completely psychotic, but she was completely lovely.

 

Are you thinking about completely closing the sale any time soon?

 

I tell you about a night with an unusual woman...

 

...and you turn it into a business transaction.

 

We're not selling real estate here.

 

- And if we were selling real estate?
- We'd be in escrow this weekend.

 

I see Dad's not alone.

 

Never. Not our Dad.

 

I'm not calling any of them Mom, I'll tell you that.

 

- What is the new one's name again?
- I believe that is Marlene.

 

There's a Linda, but I don't think that's her.

 

- That's Dorothy.
- Well, who knew.

 

Hi there.

 

Aunt Eileen.

 

- You look wonderful.
- Thank you, dear.

 

You look fine too, considering.

 

We never liked Kevin. We couldn't say anything, but we knew.

 

- That's so sweet.
- I hear you're not seeing anyone.

 

Is that wise? With the clock ticking? Because I have someone special for you.

 

Casey Donovan. Handsome, smart, single.

 

- Aunt Eileen.
- Yes?

 

He's my first cousin.

 

This is a fine day for the Nolan family, I tell you.

 

For my son, Bill Jr.

 

And young Ryan here, the confirmation boy.

 

And old Bill here.

 

I'd like to do a poem, if I may.

 

To commemorate the occasion.

 

Who do you think he'll go with?

 

- Tennyson.
- Browning.

 

- Yeats.
- "Brown Penny."

 

By William Butler Yeats.

 

Who knows her Daddy?

 

I whispered, "I am too young"

 

And then, "I am old enough"

 

Wherefore I threw a penny To find out if I might love.

 

"Go and love, go and love, young man, If the lady be young and fair."

 

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny

 

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

 

O love is the crooked thing

 

There is nobody wise enough

 

To find out all that is in it

 

For he would be thinking of love Till the stars had run away

 

And the shadows eaten the moon.

 

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny

 

One cannot begin it too soon.

 

- So good to see you, Aunt Eileen.
- It's always a pleasure.

 

- Mother Teresa!
- Mother Teresa. No. Stop. Michael!

 

It's okay. I don't mind.

 

- She doesn't mind.
- That's not the point.

 

She actually likes dogs. And me. She just forgets.

 

- Bye.
- Sarah. Darling.

 

Some pressing business has come up...

 

...and I was hoping you'd ferry Dolly home for me.

 

- Okay. Sure, Dad.
- I don't mind staying.

 

You're a sweetheart. Both of you.

 

So, what do you think of my competition?

 

I don't really wanna discuss my father's...

 

oh, it's okay. It's okay. I know. A woman always knows.

 

Not always.

 

- Your guy go younger?
- Yeah.

 

They always go younger, don't they?

 

It does seem to trend that way, doesn't it?

 

When they're 80, they want 60. When they're 60, they want 40.

 

When they're 80, they want 40. And they get it.

 

Goddamn supply and demand.

 

We ought to kill the guy who thought that one up.

 

- So you didn't see it coming, huh?
- No, I thought we were happy.

 

Maybe not "happy" happy, but, you know, satisfied.

 

I thought we were happy three times.

 

Got a live one.

 

You gotta come take a look at this.

 

I love this Internet. It's part fantasy, part community.

 

And you get to pay your bills naked.

 

They don't stress that enough as a selling point.

 

It's Jeremy in San Diego.

 

He thinks I'm 16. He inverted the numbers in my age.

 

- I didn't have the heart to tell him.
- That would've been cruel.

 

He comes to me for advice. He thinks I'm very mature.

 

We're pinned.

 

- You're on this, aren't you?
- PerfectMatch.com.

 

- What, just one site?
- Yeah.

 

Honey, you gotta put more bets on the table.

 

I'm on at least 10. You get to try out different personalities.

 

Like here. I say:

 

"I'm into opera, antiques, poetry in the original Greek."

 

And on this one:

 

"I like to skydive, ride motorcycles and enjoy rodeo."

 

But you don't do any of those things.

 

It's an ad. It's like those cars that say they get 30 miles to the gallon.

 

I mean, who knows.

 

You just want someone to take you out for a test drive.

 

I'm not comfortable advertising myself this way.

 

Honey, when you get to be my age and approaching your expiration date...

 

...it pays to advertise. This baby never sleeps.

 

It's working for me 24 hours a day, God bless its little Pentium-chip heart.

 

So tell me about your ex.

 

Kevin. He's a fireman.

 

And cute. Very, very cute.

 

I have the calendars.

 

We met when I was dating all my brothers' friends.

 

My first two husbands were friends of my brother Dave.

 

Both of them bastards. But then, so was my brother Dave.

 

Things seemed to be going according to plan with me and Kevin.

 

We had our work, we got a house, then it was time to have kids.

 

But he was never ready.

 

I was 34. Then 35, then 36.

 

Then instead of children, Kevin decided to have Veronica. Ronnie.

 

Chatty as hell and 15 years younger.

 

They got married two months ago.

 

Did I mention that she's pregnant?

 

Go get it.

 

Hey.

 

- What are you doing in the real world?
- Dogsitting. My brother and his wife...

 

...are at marriage counseling. They don't want her to know they're having trouble.

 

You're a dog guy.

 

You kidding me? I'm half Labrador. Throw that ball. See who gets it.

 

- I found him. I found the one I want!
- Austin.

 

- I found my puppy!
- You did?

 

- I'm getting a puppy!
- You are? That's amazing!

 

- It's so exciting!
- I'm so happy for you.

 

- Let's go get him!
- We'll be right behind you, bubba.

 

- Thought it'd be good for him.
- Great idea. Yeah.

 

I was gonna ask you if you thought he was too young.

 

- But it's a good age, right?
- I think so. Yes.

 

- A boy needs a dog, right?
- Absolutely.

 

Who else is gonna eat his vegetables for him?

 

I can't tell you what it means to me that Austin's so happy in school.

 

He's just lucky to have you in his life.

 

We both are.

 

I found him, Dad. I found my puppy. Come on in, he wants to kiss you!

 

Oh, I think you're gonna need a bigger trailer.

 

- Hello?
- So I know our dates aren't beginning...

 

...or ending well, but I find the middle intriguing.

 

- Well, it's not dull, is it?
- That's a good thing, right?

 

So, what do you say? You want to get together?

 

You really want to give it one more shot with me? Why?

 

Are you kidding me? You're this whole new style, this whole new system.

 

Vivid grammar of eroticism.

 

A completely unique constellation of attributes. My Halley's comet.

 

Do you write this stuff down?

 

No, that actually came out of my head.

 

Sometimes I use notes.

 

Hold on. Someone's at the door.

 

- Dolly, what a surprise.
- I'm in trouble, Sarah. I need help.

 

Hello? Sarah, is everything okay? Sarah.

 

She can't talk now. It's an emergency.

 

It's Jeremy from San Diego. He's here.

 

- I don't see why this is a problem.
- Well, for one thing, you are 17, and she's...

 

- Forty-one.
- Yeah, but those are just numbers.

 

Look at Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz.

 

She's gotta be what, 100?

 

Oh, come on, Jeremy, be nice. She's probably the same age as me.

 

Some people go their whole lives looking for their soul mate.

 

And I found mine when I was 15. Sue me.

 

Fifteen? You said you were 17.

 

- Dude, it is so not cool to lie to me.
- I'm sorry.

 

I didn't think you'd take me seriously if you thought I was a kid.

 

Of course I take you seriously.

 

You're a wonderful boy, honey. And we can always be friends.

 

But just friends. You know that.

 

- Okay.
- And there's something else.

 

I'm not really 41.

 

I'm 43.

 

Do your homework.

 

I couldn't bring myself to go over 50. It wouldn't have been fair to him.

 

- Good night.
- Night.

 

- Thank you, Sarah.
- Anytime.

 

Sarah. Hi.

 

I was in the trailer-hood. I thought I might stop by.

 

Oh, good.

 

Sarah? Is that you?

 

- Sarah! Hi!
- June?

 

- I didn't know you were...
- No. This is good. We're all here.

 

We can have a conference.

 

Oh, I'll just go home now and go to bed and maybe stay there forever.

 

Sarah has a friend who lives practically next door.

 

That's cool. I love weird, huge coincidences.

 

- Yeah.
- Sure you don't want to come in?

 

We opened a bottle of wine.

 

Oh, I think I'd rather die, but thank you. Yeah.

 

- Hi.
- Hey. Jennifer kicked us out.

 

- Both of us.
- Oh, Mikey.

 

God, I'm so sorry.

 

- She'll come around.
- I told him it's the holidays.

 

People are under a lot of stress.

 

I love this guy. I do. I love him.

 

- I love him.
- We've been talking.

 

We've been here a while.

 

- You all right?
- Yeah.

 

- Let's go.
- Come on, Mother Teresa.

 

- I hope it's okay that I stopped by.
- Oh, yes. Of course it is.

 

I'm so glad you did.

 

We were talking on the phone, everything was going well...

 

...and then some strange woman said "emergency" and hung up.

 

I called and no one answered, so I was a little worried.

 

- I think it's very sweet, Jake.
- It's just a false alarm?

 

- Definitely a false alarm.
- Good.

 

No, my father's friend, she got into a little bit of trouble...

 

...and I had to help her out, and so I went over there for a while.

 

And after that I just drove around a while.

 

Alone. I was alone. And...

 

- Yeah, alone by yourself, sure.
- Yeah.

 

Well, anyway, the reason I stopped by...

 

...was I wanted to invite you out on my boat.

 

- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- Yes, it is.

 

No, because I...

 

Boats are still on the water, right?

 

I hope so, otherwise I wasted a lot of time designing the hull.

 

Yeah, actually, they're aquatic.

 

- Well, I don't even know how to row.
- I'll teach you.

 

- I'd love to teach you how to row.
- Okay. How?

 

A challenge.

 

- We'll have a lesson right now. Okay?
- Okay.

 

So the thing about rowing is just you gotta relax, first of all.

 

And then it's all about rhythm, balance...

 

- Rhythm and balance.
- ...and timing.

 

- Watch those oars, pal.
- Okay.

 

- And rhythm and timing, see?
- Balance and rhythm.

 

- See, it's not that bad, is it?
- No, I like rowing.

 

Then you want to make sure you get, you know, your hair out of the way.

 

That's gotta hurt.

 

- Michael?
- You okay, pal?

 

Oh, no. Don't stop what you're doing. I was on my way out.

 

Easy there, Tex.

 

- Where are you going?
- Oh, I just spoke to Jennifer.

 

Everything's great. I got the couch, the dog's gonna stay.

 

You should stay here too. You shouldn't be driving.

 

- I'll drive him home. Okay?
- Yeah.

 

I thought we were gonna, you know, row the boat.

 

We will. Just stay exactly here and stay exactly you...

 

...and I'll be back in about 15 to 20 seconds depending on traffic.

 

Just hold that thought. Where do you live?

 

Of course you realize when Jake gets here, you'll have to excuse yourself.

 

Bob! Bobby. No, Bob.

 

- You dropped these on my driveway.
- Oh, thank you.

 

I'm really sorry. I'm sure that seemed pretty awkward, huh?

 

No, no. Routine, really.

 

There's nothing going on there with me and June.

 

They were late from the museum, and I made her stay for dinner.

 

Well, thank you for bringing these...

 

- You're back.
- Yeah, he... He passed out.

 

He couldn't tell me where he lived.

 

- 321 something.
- Yeah, that was all I got.

 

- I'm Bob, by the way.
- Oh, my manners have completely left me.

 

- I'm so sorry. Jake Anderson.
- How you doing?

 

- My brother Michael.
- Oh, sorry. Here you go.

 

Pleasure to meet you.

 

This is Bob Connor, parent at the school.

 

We were just... what were we?

 

Sarah left stuff at my place tonight, thought it'd be better to get it back.

 

I'll get out of the way.

 

- Talk to you tomorrow, Sarah. Okay?
- Okay.

 

- Nice to meet you guys.
- Pleasure.

 

Hey, I better get going. Where do you want me to put him?

 

- Maybe I'll put him here.
- No, you don't...

 

we're sitting down now, buddy.

 

Yeah, I...

 

- I better get going.
- You don't have to go. You could stay. Sit.

 

No, no, no. Really, I should go.

 

Jake. Jake, please let me explain.

 

- You don't have to.
- I want to.

 

I don't have any claim on you.

 

We've seen each other what, four times now? I realize that.

 

You won't let me explain?

 

Let me do it. You were lying because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I get it.

 

If dogs are to prove their worth as rescuers...

 

...they must overcome their fears. Again, Mass goes first.

 

She's accustomed to the deafening noise and turbulent winds of the helicopter.

 

She's made these jumps dozens of times before.

 

But the big question is, how will the rookies perform?

 

You could do this. You could.

 

They hesitate at the open door.

 

Hey, I'm gonna head out.

 

- You forgot to take your headdress off.
- No, I didn't. Any plans for the holiday?

 

Dad's house, a thousand relatives. How about you?

 

- Eric's parents are back in town.
- Now they're starting to piss me off.

 

- Oh, honey, if you need to cry, call me.
- Got you on speed dial.

 

Are we okay?

 

Sure. Why wouldn't we be?

 

I had no idea you and Bobby were...

 

Oh, we're nothing, June. Me and Bobby.

 

Well, we're not either. Me and him.

 

But he is one hot Dad, though. I so don't blame you for being interested.

 

"Interested" may be pushing it.

 

Well, I'm not in that picture. I just want you to know.

 

I love Thanksgiving. I'm so glad I'm not cooking.

 

Watch your back.

 

Now, before we tackle this succulent-looking bird...

 

...we have some honored guests with us today.

 

Marlene Swift. Dorothy Murphy.

 

And Dolly McCann.

 

Hello, Dolly.

 

- Hi.
- Hey.

 

All three at the same table.

 

The man has balls of steel.

 

We're very proud.

 

This was a great idea. It's the perfect place to spend Thanksgiving.

 

- I'm just sorry my parents aren't here.
- Next year.

 

You're not afraid that'd be too sentimental?

 

No. It's old family tradition.

 

- They have a great Sunday brunch here too.
- Did I tell you she was a teacher?

 

Preschool. Works with kids.

 

- Tiny, tiny little kids. You want kids?
- Oh, yeah. I love kids.

 

Want that white picket fence, the whole deal.

 

She might've been the one. She's good. She was interesting.

 

I caught a glimpse. Something.

 

You gotta stop obsessing about the dog-park girl, Jake.

 

- I know.
- Move on.

 

I will.

 

This time you got written out of Act 1. Women are devious.

 

Self-serving, shallow.

 

Not you, dear.

 

Okay. If Casey Donovan's no good...

 

"If"? What do you mean, "if"? His mother and my mother were sisters.

 

- Ron Detmer?
- He's my optometrist.

 

He's expecting your call.

 

How many fingers am I holding up?

 

Sarah, great news. I didn't want to get your hopes up.

 

But two guys in my office just got divorced.

 

- So much to be thankful for.
- Start with Richie.

 

If that doesn't work, go with Jerry.

 

- Richie first. Got it.
- Yeah, definitely go with Richie.

 

Better watch yourself. With those girls, cleaning is a contact sport.

 

He's worth it, you know, your Dad. Despite all his shenanigans.

 

Besides, I'm having as much fun as he is.

 

Why don't I believe you?

 

Look, you care about someone, they're in a lot of pain, you cut them some slack.

 

I just thank God he doesn't have a bigger table.

 

Hello.

 

One raised eyebrow. Never a good sign.

 

How do you remember all their names, Dad?

 

Let alone birthdays and religious affiliations?

 

- I have it all on a disk. That way...
- I really don't want to know.

 

You're in different leagues, Dad. You and Dolly.

 

I think she's starting to fall for you.

 

- Well, I'm sorry if...
- No, you're not.

 

Because being a man today means never having to say you're sorry.

 

I resent how easy this all is for you.

 

You've got women coming and going, cooking, cleaning.

 

They're probably tuning up your car for all I know.

 

All that matters to you guys is the tushies are tight and the bellies are flat.

 

Meanwhile, caring, interesting, compassionate women...

 

...of a certain age sit home alone...

 

...reading Jane Austen, eating ice cream, which makes them less likely to find...

 

Are we still talking about me? Because I can't tell anymore.

 

No, I'm sorry, Dad. I can't either.

 

It's all right.

 

I just don't want to see Dolly get hurt.

 

I don't either.

 

But it's different for me.

 

I've had the love of my life.

 

And no one else could ever touch that.

 

No one can come close.

 

So I'm just out there...

 

...passing the time.

 

Tap-dancing, if you want the truth.

 

Maybe if I dance fast enough...

 

...I won't remember what I've lost.

 

You see?

 

I'll be right there.

 

Hi, can I...?

 

Look who's here. It's you.

 

Yes, your worst nightmare.

 

- The single-chicken-breast lady.
- You wanna at least hear the specials?

 

I'm supposed to tell them to you, that's all.

 

Just the chicken breast.

 

It's rough out there, huh? You wanna talk about it?

 

You know, you're not a bartender.

 

Have you tried the Internet? I mean, it really works.

 

- You know, I met my wife online, and she...
- chicken. Now.

 

Why not?

 

And I've been to Italy a lot too. I just got back from Rome...

 

...where I took this fabulous in-depth tour called "As the Romans Do."

 

- The guide was incredible.
- I took that tour. Big fat guy, right?

 

Before that, Switzerland. I got caught in a storm.

 

- I almost died in a blizzard once.
- I lived up in the Alps for a year.

 

They had to cut me out of the snow with scissors.

 

My aunt had a farm. In the morning, we'd warm ourselves with the coals of the fire.

 

I learned to make goat cheese. It was very Heidi.

 

Well, I just think it's wonderful how much you care about your children, Peter. Really.

 

It's not always the case. I'm a teacher, I know.

 

Well, it's just my daughter. She's 14.

 

But she's everything to me.

 

- Were you surprised that I called?
- Little bit.

 

But happy.

 

Well, I figured what the hell.

 

It's time to take control of my life. New Sarah.

 

- I liked the old Sarah, you know.
- New and improved.

 

- Good morning.
- Hi.

 

Hi.

 

- What time is it?
- It's a little after 9.

 

Damn.

 

Do you mind if we take that and go? I don't wanna run into traffic.

 

- Oh, it's Sunday.
- Yeah, I got a game today.

 

- You gonna eat that?
- No. Here.

 

Thank you.

 

You did sleep with June, didn't you?

 

Does it matter? Really?

 

It's just that you told me nothing happened.

 

I knew we'd be great together, I didn't want anything to get in the way of that.

 

And we were.

 

Yeah.

 

That was fun. Thanks a lot. I'll call you.

 

- You mad at me?
- No, I'm not mad at you.

 

- Good, I was afraid something had...
- I'm mad at myself for trusting you.

 

For not listening to that voice that said:

 

"He is a shallow, self-centered bastard." Which is what you are, you stupidhead!

 

Maybe I have been teaching preschool too long, but you took advantage of me.

 

You knew how vulnerable I was. I was the weak impala of the herd.

 

And you pounced on that with that whole sensitive Dad-of-the-Year act.

 

And, "we're adopting a puppy."

 

And the fake professor thing with these fake glasses.

 

These aren't even real, are they?

 

Sorry.

 

I just hate guys like you. I hate guys like you!

 

But this is a good look for you, Sarah.

 

You've gone beyond pajamas and are now wearing the bed.

 

Oh, God. I just went after the wrong guy again. Like always.

 

I slept with a man who's not my husband.

 

I'm promiscuous.

 

We should redo your profile and put that in it.

 

Oh, God. I'm a complete and total love failure.

 

- Oh, no.
- Stop it, it's not that funny.

 

Stop laughing.

 

What about that cute guy I met? Condom man.

 

- Yes, that's how he likes to be known.
- Condom man?

 

- Sounds like a superhero.
- I can't.

 

He hates me. And I don't blame him.

 

No, I had my chance with him, and I blew it.

 

Let's go watch Beaches.

 

Oh, my God.

 

When they remake this, they gotta add a happy ending and nudity.

 

They won't remake it. Nobody wants to watch this kind of yearning nowadays.

 

It's too painful.

 

- Modern man can't take it.
- This has gotta end.

 

There's a world beyond Zhivago- land.

 

Forget about the dog-park girl and live again.

 

You think your friend still wants to buy my boat?

 

Let him chop it up, stick it on his wall.

 

- Call him.
- Seriously?

 

Tell him to come by the boat basin this weekend. I'll row it down myself.

 

And call some of those insane, pansexual girls you're so fond of.

 

I want a date every day until Christmas.

 

- Where have you been all my life?
- Waiting for you.

 

You are absolutely perfect. You know that, don't you?

 

I do. But it's still nice to hear.

 

Hello, hello. Hi.

 

Look at you, cute jammies.

 

Already in them, a little early for that. Come on, have a seat.

 

Eric, come on.

 

All right. Now...

 

...Eric and I are here to cheer you up, and we have many options.

 

I'm ready.

 

First, there's line dancing at the Grove. Very Southwest, mid-80's.

 

- Too gay.
- Or...

 

...we can use these teacher gift certificates...

 

- ...for midnight manicures.
- Perfect. Can we do that?

 

- That's not too gay?
- No.

 

He keeps the mystery alive, doesn't he?

 

What color?

 

White. Caucasian.

 

What color nail? After wax.

 

- I don't know. What do you think?
- Your nail, not mine.

 

The light pink one. Yeah.

 

Not much love life, huh?

 

Not getting younger.

 

Did you hear that?

 

What is that? Why do I always get the surly manicurist?

 

I don't know. Does a good job, right?

 

Oh, my God.

 

Oh, my God.

 

I'll be right back.

 

Jake!

 

- Jake!
- Sarah.

 

- Jake! Hi.
- Hi.

 

This is so weird, because I've been thinking about you so much.

 

Nice to see you. Oh, you're all... You look like...

 

I keep thinking about you.

 

What do they call those? Pot sticker, with the potholders.

 

Hi. I'm ready, Jake. Sorry I took so long.

 

Hi. I'm Sherry.

 

- Hi.
- This is Sarah.

 

- We just saw Doctor Zhivago at the Grand.
- Yeah.

 

- Doctor Zhivago.
- It's Jake's favorite movie.

 

- I didn't get it.
- Oh, I've seen it like 20 times.

 

- Really?
- Really?

 

- Yeah.
- Why? It's so depressing.

 

Everybody's freezing their asses off.

 

- They're communists, right?
- Yeah.

 

I guess I keep hoping that one time, Lara and Yuri will get together again.

 

In the springtime, preferably. And wear shorts.

 

Okay, but they can't, because it's just a movie.

 

- It's a book too.
- Yeah, that's cruel.

 

Yeah.

 

Anyway...

 

Thanks for bringing that up.

 

Okay, I have to go get de-waxed.

 

Sarah, it was really nice seeing you again.

 

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

 

Not again.

 

Yes. Thank...

 

Yeah. Bye.

 

- Do you want to be Russians tonight?
- Let's go.

 

Well, Sherry, I think I'm gonna say good night.

 

- You're not coming in?
- No, I'm kind of tired.

 

- I'm gonna go home.
- Aren't we gonna do the Russian thing?

 

That's Russian for "no."

 

- Was it something that I did...?
- No, no, no. I'm just really tired.

 

- Tired. Yeah, it was a long movie.
- Really long.

 

Bye.

 

It seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.

 

You chase him down the street, he turns, he sees you...

 

...he takes you in his arms, fireworks explode.

 

It's happily ever after.

 

You're leaving out the part where he was with another woman.

 

I say you call him.

 

Or better yet, go over there, break into his house, throw yourself at him...

 

...make a complete fool of yourself. It worked for me.

 

- It was very effective.
- No, he's with someone else.

 

I have to face it, it's just not gonna work out with us.

 

And you'd really like it to, wouldn't you?

 

I can't take this. This is breaking my heart.

 

Mine too. But let's look on the bright side.

 

- Your nails look fabulous.
- They do.

 

They look so good. Let me see those.

 

- Look at these hands.
- Thank you, guys.

 

Turn around, this is your favorite part.

 

She's wearing that hat you like.

 

That's my side, thank you very much.

 

Mother Teresa.

 

I love you too.

 

You like her?

 

- She's a handsome boat.
- Yeah.

 

Reminds one of the longboats they would run...

 

...out of the sweet harbor at Bantry Bay.

 

Actually, I designed this one based on a Portuguese boat.

 

But historically, you're correct, yeah.

 

- You built this boat yourself?
- Yes, sir.

 

- You build boats?
- No, no.

 

Truth be told, I don't know the first thing about them.

 

- But I do appreciate a work of art.
- Well, thank you, sir.

 

I'm about to sell this work of art to a guy who's gonna cut it in half...

 

- ...and stick it on his wall.
- Oh, no.

 

Yeah. I'm about to take her out for a last paddle before I meet the butcher at noon.

 

Why would you do a thing like that?

 

It's a long story. Something about the violation of expectations...

 

...and a crushing loss of faith in love and life and art.

 

- So it's a girl.
- Yes.

 

I've had a little girl trouble myself lately.

 

But better to have loved and lost. Am I right?

 

She was a unique constellation of attributes.

 

She was my Halley's comet.

 

But... Universe is designed to break your heart, yes?

 

A philosopher as well as an artist. Yes, it's we who suffer most.

 

Yes. With the possible exception being the victims of violent crime.

 

- Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, sir.
- No, no, pleasure's all mine. Jake.

 

- Bill. I have a daughter who would...
- No, no.

 

Never mind. No, no. Sorry.

 

Well, this is a surprise.

 

Can't a father pay a visit to his daughter on a beautiful Sunday morning?

 

Carol called you, didn't she? She's afraid I'm getting into my pajamas again.

 

Actually, Carol called Christine, Christine called Michael...

 

- ...Michael called me.
- Any word from Aunt Eileen?

 

She said to tell you that Casey Donovan was adopted.

 

If that helps.

 

Well, at this point, he's starting to look awfully good.

 

He's out there, Sarah.

 

Someone who would appreciate all you have to offer.

 

After all, you're this unique constellation of attributes.

 

- You're Halley's comet...
- what did you just say?

 

It's a nice turn of phrase, but it's not my own.

 

I heard it from a young man I met this morning.

 

Builds beautiful Irish boats.

 

Poor lad. Had his heart broken by a woman he deeply cared about.

 

Deeply.

 

- Jake. Jake!
- Hello there.

 

Hi. Hi, I'm looking for Jake. Jake Anderson. Is he here?

 

- No, he isn't. But lucky for us, I am.
- I don't have time for this.

 

- Do you know where he is?
- You're "must love dogs," aren't you?

 

You've already crushed him, he's been moping for weeks.

 

He's even given up the whole wooden-boat thing.

 

- You've done enough.
- That's all wrong.

 

I have to talk to him. Where is he?

 

- I can't tell you that.
- Where is he?

 

I'm not telling you.

 

You know the bridge by the boat ramp?

 

Jake?

 

Jake.

 

Jake!

 

- I'd like to rent a boat, please.
- I'm sorry, we're all out of boats.

 

- All right, come on.
- Oh, a love chase.

 

Come on, girl, you can do this.

 

This is really important to me. Come on.

 

I think he could be the one.

 

Come on, girls, let's get going.

 

Push! Push!

 

Push! Push!

 

Push, push!

 

Push! Push! Push!

 

- Push!
- Push!

 

That's him. I see him!

 

Jake! Jake!

 

Stop the boat!

 

Never mind.

 

Okay, girl, here we go.

 

Jake!

 

Here she goes!

 

Jake.

 

What are you doing?

 

All right. Here we go. All the way up. Almost.

 

- Come on, girl.
- Come on.

 

- Good girl, you can do it.
- Here we go.

 

- Watch your paws there.
- Easy, easy.

 

Cold. Cold. Very cold.

 

Here we go.

 

Thank you.

 

Was there something you wanted to say to me?

 

Yes.

 

Could have just called.

 

Perhaps that would have been the wiser course, yes.

 

What's up?

 

I owe you my story. You asked me for honesty...

 

...and it scared the hell out of me, and I held back...

 

...and I didn't want to let you see the real me.

 

Because I was afraid of getting hurt again.

 

But, listen, I hear that the universe lets your heart expand...

 

...and grow back even bigger after you go through all that pain.

 

Well, I believe that now.

 

And I was just wishing there was a way that...

 

...I could have another chance to make this work.

 

I'll be right with you.

 

Hi, how can I...?

 

Don't worry, I got it.

 

Single chicken breast, no dating advice, coming right up.

 

Actually, I would like to have three whole fryers, please.

 

And six pork chops and a lamb shank.

 

And do you have any dog bones back there?

 

If you do, throw them in the cart. What are the specials today?

 

Yes.

 

Thank you.

 

How many people are actually in this family?

 

- Hey.
- Hey.

 

Get down.

 

Down!

 

How did we meet?

 

- Oh, that's a great story. Tell it, hon.
- Great story.

 

Well, actually, it's a very romantic story.

 

- You tell it, Carol.
- No, go ahead, honey.

 

No, no, really, you should. She tells this story great.

 

You don't remember, do you?

 

Don't remember? How we met?

 

I don't remember.

 

But I love her.

 

I love her!

 

Love is not reserved for the young, you know.

 

As the poet said:

 

Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be

 

- Yeats?
- No.

 

- Tennyson?
- No.

 

- Browning.
- Browning.

 

Who knows her Daddy?

 

Oh, my gosh, I did not think I was ready to settle down...

 

...but look at the size of this rock.

 

And you want to know what else? I'm gonna get a cute little tattoo...

 

...in someplace that's N-O-N of your business.

 

And wanna know what it's gonna say?

 

"Mrs. Casey Donovan."

 

The best place to meet someone...

 

...is Parseghian's Armenian restaurant in Koreatown.

 

I don't care if you're young, you're old...

 

...you're single, you're divorced...

 

I'm getting there.

 

7100 First Street.

 

Wednesday, mother-in-law night.

 

All she can eat.

 

- In a dog park.
- Dog park, yeah.

 

- It's true.
- I know.

 

I was very... I was nervous.

 

We had no idea at the time that we could ever wind up...

 

oh, that's not true. I did.

 

- You did not.
- I did too.

 

- I have a theory about this.
- He has lots of theories.

 

I do. This is actually a good one. I took some notes.

 

Oh, God, you're so prepared for this.

 

You grow up, you're an adult, right?

 

And you think you have all this worldly experience, right? That's point A.

 

You think your personality is formed.

 

And then you think you're complete...

 

...but you meet somebody, you start feeling new things.

 

And you start feeling excruciatingly painful things.

 

You get confused, right? You get nauseous.

 

And I think when you get really nauseous, like that, it's, like, the completion of self.

 

The person who can fill the final void.

 

That's what it was like when I met Sarah.

 

- I made you nauseous.
- In a good way. I was lovesick.

 

That was good, honey.